Fifty Shades Darker Cast- Chris Stuckmann’s sentiment on actors

Full text transcript of the review of Fifty Shades Darker:

Throughout the majority of 50 Shades darker, I stared at the movie screen like William Shatner in his episode of The Twilight Zone. Just constant, utter shock and awe, so let’s start talking about this film that’s being released in theaters this weekend. The first 50 Shades of Grey was one of the worst movies I had ever seen in my entire life. And it just so happened to be my least favorite movie of that year. This film continues the tradition by having Anastasia Steele, played by Dakota Johnson, a perfectly fine actress, and Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, a man who’s shown himself to be an exceptional actor and other things like the TV show The Fall. These are both very talented people. And here we have a director that is also extremely talented. James Foley made this film.

This is the guy who directed the excellent Glengarry Glen Ross. So I actually went into this movie with the slightest ounce of hope. And I left very disappointed because it’s the exact same as the first. It’s another big, shitty fucking piece of shit. The plot of 50 Shades darker is essentially that Anastasia Steele decides, hey, I’ll take back Christian Grey, despite the fact that he spanked me real hard last time, I think I’m going to take him back because I just can’t get enough of that Christian Grey man do I want his body.

But don’t spank me again. That was bad. You really, really went overboard with those five slaps last time. I got to say, I don’t want any more of that. That’s too much for me. And this time around, she’s like, hey, I really like having sex with you. Let’s have sex a lot. And preferably, Mr. Director, could you please film it and make it like an entry level softcore porn for girls? That would be the best way to approach this. And please music editor, include some current pop song while they’re having sex because of it’s silent, it’ll be too sexual and we’ll get an NC 17. That’s how these films are made. Oh, did I mention the author who wrote the books, wrote a Twilight fan fiction and adapted it into her own story. And they’re extremely successful. There’s really no movie here. It’s just more of them looking at each other from across the room and they give each other that I want to fuck you guys and then they go have sex. There’s nothing else. There’s a small subplot involving one of his former submissives who shows up every once in a while looking really ragged. And I mean. He doesn’t like being touched on the nipples. There’s actually a scene where he takes lipstick and he goes, these are my boundaries. And he’s like, you can’t touch me here. This rectangle can’t touch me there.

Everywhere else is fine. Here’s how I view this movie. It’s hard to go into this film and expect anything else than a soft core porn for women. If I go into it and expect something Oscar worthy or amazing, that would be really stupid of me. So I can’t really tell you that I’m surprised by the fact that I thought this movie was awful and you could use that as a defense for the movie and say, well, it has its place, it’s a guilty pleasure, people can enjoy it and you could defend the movie in that way. But this is the way I view it. It’s the same way I view a kid’s movie. A lot of people say, oh, well, it’s a kid’s movie. It’s OK to be dumb. It’s OK to have a lot of poop jokes. It’s OK to not try as hard because it’s just four five year olds. That’s bullshit. I think children’s films should try just as hard as adult films. And I think that Fifty Shades of Grey or Fifty Shades darker in this case should actually at least try to make the film even remotely romantic or you know what, at best even remotely sexy, because that’s one of the things I hate about both of these movies. I said that this movie not even remotely excited that I was watching two very attractive people having sex because the sex scenes are incredibly boring.

They’re like softcore porn music videos, like something you’d find on the Oxygen Channel at 2:00 a.m. It’s like that’s it’s just like a bunch of like really slow music and slow motion and all. That being said, the characters in this movie are fucking atrocious. All the men in the movie are just fawning after Anastasia Steele and she, of course, just wants Christian, but she wants to be ordered around all the time. She lets him just push her around and do every fucking situation. She’s like, hey, I’m going to New York. It’s a work trip. And he just goes, absolutely not. The answer’s no. And she’s like, and we’ll talk about it later. I’m like, What is he, your father like? I get that. That’s like how he gets off. But it’s it’s just it’s so fucking annoying. It’s such a horrible, damaging, terrible relationship. And I can’t stand it. People like watching these. I mean, in regards to how controlling he is, there’s a scene where he tells her to do something and she’s like, no, I’m not doing it. And he just looks there and goes for once, can you just do what you’re told? And then she just does it instantly. And I’m like, First off. That was a little much. You’re kind of a dick. Second, she does do what he says in every scene of this movie, every single thing he asks her to do.

She does it without fail. Where’d that line even come from? My God, I hate these characters. Even the attempts at making the film sexy fail because they don’t make sense in regards to the film. Like, for instance, there’s a sequence where he takes these two silver balls and puts them inside. Anastasiya, you know, great, that’s wonderful. And she has to wear them all night at this party. And she’s like, what do they do? And he’s like, yeah, see? And she’s like, oh, OK. So they go to a party and keep in mind, they have to drive to this party. She’s sitting down in a car, then they go to the party and as soon as she sits down on a chair, she’s like, oh, and he just goes, now, you know what they do? And she’s like, Oh, I know what they do. Now when you sit down, oh, it feels good. She was just sitting down in a car for like 20 minutes so that it didn’t work then. The movie even has a hilarious excuse for heightening the tension towards the end involving this helicopter sequence that came out of nowhere so funny. I was like, what? It’s another softcore porn movie. That’s an excuse for a bunch of girls to get together and go. He asked me for the sex and he kind of likes to be dominant.

Oh, my God. Honestly, the thing I hate the most about these movies, I think I figured it out. It’s that they sell themselves as these hardcore, like 18 plus super dirty movies that are like really, really graphic. But they’re not really I mean, there’s no graphicness. I mean, if they were NC 17, I might at least be like, OK, you went for it. But no, they really want to make money, so they’re never going to go for it, really. And the films themselves just really aren’t that sexy either. Even though you have two really attractive people, the stuff that they do is just bland and boring and the way they’re shot and the music and everything, it just it sucks. It’s another terrible film. It’s exactly like the first one in almost every fucking way. Look, if you like these books and you like the first movie, just go see it. You’re going to like it. You don’t care what critics say. Just go watch it. You’ll like it. Just, you know, just go see it for everyone else. I’m going to get Fifty Shades darker. A big fat fucking f. Oh my God. I sat there another one. I did it. Guys, thank you so much, as always, for watching. And if you like this, you can click right here and get stuff monetized.