The Boy Next Door cast- slammed by Jeremy Jahns

Full-text transcript of The Boy Next Door review:

[00:00:01] Well, Jan ain’t going down without a fight. I can tell you that. The boy next door that has got to be the most generic ass title I’ve ever heard in my life, so the boy next door stars Jennifer Lopez. She’s this hot ass teacher. She looks like Jennifer Lopez. Let’s be honest, though, if I had a teacher like that, she’s a mom, she’s going through a divorce, then she gets this convenient ass plot device called This dude is a really attractive dude who ends up moving into the house. Next door is 20 years old, which right there I was like, I thought you were in her class. You saw that in the trailer. Here’s how the movie does. His parents died a couple of years ago. So we had to take a couple of years off school. So he’s a 20 year old who’s a senior in high school because they want to make this kid’s movie about the student who bangs the teacher and then bad things happen. They don’t want to be creepy about it. So they need to make him 20 years old, I guess. So in a moment of weakness, Jaylo goes over there and they bang. And then after that, this dude, it’s like Fatal Attraction. Jaylo is like, stop messing with my life. And he’s like, but you look like you. And I just lived out every junior high slash high school students dream. And now we have this sloppy ass mess. To be honest with you, I want to hear are the positives, the positives.

[00:01:12] Jennifer Lopez is really attractive. She just is she is physical perfection. That’s what Jaylo is. That being said, you’re locked into an hour and a half long thriller starring the third judge of American Idol and the dude from step up. All right, folks, run for their life. Everything nothing in this movie makes the movie doesn’t even do a good job at transitioning from scene to scene. You don’t know how much time has passed between scenes example. There’s a scene. She’s in her jammies and she’s sitting down. She’s ready to go to bed and she looks and she sees to do to cross the street. All undressing and shit is just like he saw me. And then the next scene, she’s out on a date with her friend, double dating and shit like, OK, it’s the next night because she was clearly getting ready to go to bed that night. Then the day doesn’t go well. And then she’s home. The dude calls, he’s like, hey, want to come over and help me cook a turkey? And when it starts going down, he’s like, When you saw me tonight, I was like, whoa, tonight. Are you telling me she got into her jammies, clearly ready to go to bed, and then she went out on a date in downtown and then came back and then was drinking wine and then Banku. All that should happen in one night’s Dopp It movie.

[00:02:17] Djupvik, that’s just one scene in the movie. It wouldn’t be worth bringing up. But that does illustrate how sloppiest the movie just feels throughout. Everything in the movie is just really convenient. They have the whole thing going on with the neighbor kid, the Jennifer Lopez tag, the unstable, the main guy. He’s hanging out with Jennifer Lopez, his son. He’s feeding him bad advice. So he gets pissed off at his dad and he ends up getting pissed at his dad. I’m like, all right, if you’re going to take notes from a Karate Kid movie, don’t take it from Karate Kid three. Take it from one or two. Show that you have class director of Alex Cross. You start phoning it in at a point like I’m a grown ass man, I review movies, this is what I do. So cheap shots, cheap things like skin. They don’t sell me on a movie. I’m above that. I like to think so. Anyway, when the movie’s so shitty, you start phoning it in. You’re like. Let’s ride it out. Maybe we’ll see some Gellatly. That’s what I’m here for now, I’m here and I have to grind through it, let’s just maybe there’s Jaylo. There’s not there’s nothing in this movie. Nothing is in the teddy and nothing has anything. Rob, huge love for keeping class in a rated R movie. You could have shown Diddy, but you didn’t. The acting’s not great. The main dude in this movie is just one dimensional last character.

[00:03:26] He starts acting crazy at one point, like you’re like, oh, this guy is crazy. The problem is if you’re going to play crazy, you have to be a good actor to sell me on the fact that you’re crazy. This is acting captain. Step up all in. I didn’t see that one. I want to be honest. I didn’t step up on it. But something tells me it’s about where his career peaks. Maybe the episode stint that he did on Pretty Little Liars I imdb the guy before I filmed this. That’s how I know this shit smacked me with my popcorn ball like Pretty Little Liars. The transition sucked. The acting’s not great. Their tension’s not there. Then, like the last act of the movies, maybe people are going to die. But the problem is no tension built and no character building happened that made you give a shit about this last act. All right. Maybe the dude will get maybe something will land on his head and crush him. It’ll be entertaining, like, you know, Jason or something. Sometimes you got to call a spade a spade, guys. And sometimes I got to inform you that the boy next door is dog shit. So your favorite Psycho Stalker movie, what is it? Whatever it is, comment below. Let me know. And as always, if you like what you’ve seen here and you want to see more, click right here to see more.