The Expendables 3 Actors- a critique by Decker Shado

Full-text transcript of The Expendables review:

[00:00:01] Oh, we’re like Web personalities. The best hair and it’s finally week, but. Well, it’s the last week of.

[00:00:21] Look, that. They said, oh, I see this summer.

[00:00:32] Yeah, I can do that, boys, go get. Going out with a bang, the final review of the summer will be The Expendables three. That’s exciting. All right. Maybe it doesn’t help that I already did the other two in the series, or it does. And I can’t tell what is after The Expendables surprise movie going public with the fact that half the actors could still be ultra badasses on the big screen and The Expendables to up the ante in almost every way, concentrating on fun over depth. The Expendables three was sure to get a green light so long as Lionsgate liked the idea of making a ton of money on its Fattal’s franchise with a strong fanbase. Of course. And not, say, just a generic sequel. There are quite a few things change up this time around, even those that you would consider to be central to the concept of what makes The Expendables movie, such as the fact that while there are a few veteran actors who shot for the first time in this iteration, the main focus is bring in a bunch of fresh young faces. How fresh. This is the first feature film for several of them. That’s not to say they’re complete unknowns. Ronda Rousey, for instance, was an established M&A fighter years before she was brought onto the set to play Luna. But hey, I’m sure all these new faces will have plenty of one liners to give, referencing some esoteric moments in college. Anyway, let’s take a look at The Expendables three and see if it can keep the excitement up in the blood pumping for two fucking hours, developing into an armored prison transport. In case you don’t realize this, they tell you anyway.

[00:02:00] Of course, before we can go into too many details, we see that The Expendables are already on the scene, or at least a somewhat convincing simulation either way. Might be why the video game in was the retro styled expendable rose. I’m pretty sure that the Mad Max video game actually has better CGI than this. Stallone now completely clean shaven, meaning if they do an Expendables four, he’ll have to ditch the eyebrows, leads the team in an attack on the trade, even though they already set up a trap to clear the roof before the showdown. Well, maybe that was just meant to clear the bodies off so they could land. By the way, a few of them boarded the train, taking out the few remaining guards and securing the prisoner Scott. Damn, Charles Manson got one hell of a tan, rather, this is Doc played by Wesley Snipes, though he’s still a bit loopy, not taking the escape chopper, but heading up the train cars to kill the rest of the guys. Speed this thing up and give his captors one final fuck you before he leaves. That’s an exciting opening, I guess it wasn’t nearly as good as a second movie, but it’s still good. It’s still good as it happens, Doc was a member of the team way back when with Barney. He’s been away for a damn long time, though, as he doesn’t recognize anyone but Stallone and isn’t so happy to learn that all the other old members are dead is shit. Truth be told, Slim wanted him in the previous Expendables movies to play Hail Caesar, but he couldn’t leave the US to film at the time because he would need the court’s permission

[00:03:47] To do that. So why did you get locked away? Tax evasion.

[00:03:55] Well, the movie as a joke is I was in prison for attempted assassination, but in reality, that’s exactly the kind of trouble that Wesley Snipes was doing that prevented him from participating until now. Well, Raulston Company did just rescue him. They don’t have any time to waste with getting back to civilization so the man can find out Sicko doesn’t make consoles anymore. We’re on PlayStation four now, and there are people out who actually think the order, 1886, was worth sixty dollars. More important than any of that, though, they have to stop a weapons deal in some bum fuck part of the world.

[00:04:20] In a way, you just pick me up on your way back a short.

[00:04:24] Just accept the grubin, right. You’ll get more XP that way. Little thing. And we said Lutu Round-Robin. When they reach their destination, the main group meets up with SESAR, providing transport and some cover fire from the river.

[00:04:34] The hell is that? This bit will solve all your problems maybe for 10 seconds before it blows this one.

[00:04:40] That depends on the amount of ammunition he brought with. Surely he wouldn’t be stupid enough to only bring 500 rounds with a weapon that fires 3000 r.p.m. Woody once they reach their destination. This gives us the perfect opportunity to see just what snakes will bring to the team.

[00:04:55] You know, was all under control. Yeah, that’s what it looked like.

[00:05:04] No, no, no, not that part.

[00:05:14] Ouseley, the man attacked me with a knife.

[00:05:18] He’s still kicking ass and cracking jokes makes me feel like I checked on more of the man’s movies. A review taking control of a nearby crane that transports the rest of the team to a nice spot overlooking the deal they’re trying to prevent. This would be an easy enough win for them, but something about it surprises still can’t be what company this is. None other than Mel Gibson. You know, he’s just going to upstage the fuck out of half of the cast while he’s around. Plot wise, Mel Gibson plays Stone Banks, an ex expendible who Stallone could have sworn he killed two years ago. This revelation that the man is alive and the villain in this movie is enough to throw Stallone off his game and cause the entire team to need to retreat in a hurry. Don’t worry, though, Caesar can cover their escape.

[00:06:06] Time to vote at all.

[00:06:20] Told you to actually, it was 17 seconds. I wish it was 10 then I wouldn’t have had to edit it down to prevent it from being caused by the content ID, but only to have Lionsgate show up and manually set it is fucking content ID anyway. And then only fucking after months of me disputing them and then rejecting my dispute’s after I tell them, fine, take the fucking court I off. Excuse me, as they escape in a reasonably over-the-top fashion, it turns out that Mel Gibson isn’t taking this opportunity to evade the folks and to kill him, but instead using it to establish his place as the big, bad boss for this movie. It’s actually very rare to see Mel playing a bad guy in a movie, which is kind of strange because if this film was anything to go by, he is eerily good at it. While he shot Hail Caesar, he didn’t finish the man off, of course, with how long the movie spends out distortion of facts and slow down to the audio while he’s bleeding to death. I wouldn’t blame you if you thought the Terracross Cruz character kicked the bucket in the first act. Hell, the movie keeps it ambiguous even after they get to the hospital, refusing to just tell the audience that the man is going to be OK. So you’re going to make it allegedly while they were making a movie, Terry Crews is actually begging Stallone not to kill off his character any better. Fucking not. I’m seriously going to survived womb’s far worse than that in the first movie. And if they kill all fucking hail Caesar, then I’m going to have to resort to fan fiction to get my fix of hail. Caesar going on galactic adventures with Newton John Cage. No time to dwell. So we need to get the rest of the plot moving with the help of Harrison Ford playing CIA operations officer drummer

[00:08:02] And I have to worry about church anymore. Is this out of the picture?

[00:08:09] It was supposed to return for this movie and was scripted too, but for four days of work, he was going to be paid only three million dollars. And he was like, no, I want to be paid for million dollars. And Stallone was like, OK, you’re replaced. Why the hell do big name actors think that they can train Hagel when they’re playing minor supporting characters or heroes with masks on? Drimmer is rather upset that Stallones team failed to take the target and lets him know that he doesn’t intend to let them off until they fix the problem.

[00:08:39] This happened on my watch.

[00:08:42] You fucked up. And I’m wearing it and I have

[00:08:47] A friend who is known to rip people’s arms out of their sockets when things don’t go his way. Still, the man is willing to give Barny one more shot as soon as they track Mel Gibson down again. In the meantime, still unprepared for the epic test of willpower, skill and teamwork by kicking everyone out on their asses, disbanding the group. So.

[00:09:07] We’re done.

[00:09:11] But wait, he has another plan. What do you need, a new

[00:09:15] Team, the old

[00:09:18] Except for me, because if you don’t have double standards, what standards do you have? Bonaparte, played by Kelsey Grammer, works as Stallone’s guide for the next few scenes as they huddle around the world and try to get us excited for these new faces. I could do that. Well, at least Colin Powell here playing Thorn does have some moves in his backlog that he did work on before this one, starting with spy kids. Three days at age 15 is five years younger than I am. However, this is the film debut of Ronda Rousey playing Luna, the strong, independent woman who don’t need no man unless she can’t find her punching bag man playing a character with as much personalities or risking, quite unlike our next contender, showing off by pakora, down the building, being all slick and cool, so young and hip, except for the fact that.

[00:10:12] You need another fake resume.

[00:10:14] It’s actually someone I really want to see in an Expendables film, Antonio Banderas,

[00:10:18] By himself, you look stronger, look faster than look. Actually, you were born in nineteen eighty four. Of course not. But I feel like I was born in 84. I avoid the wrong thing and it is

[00:10:30] Double plus good. Big Brother is watching you friend. Unfortunately, skill, charm and being what I actually want is not on Stallone’s list of criteria. So he flatly rejects Galdos application and leaves his ass behind.

[00:10:42] I need a job and I don’t want people I know.

[00:10:49] I could always run for office, one moves on an ad, Victor Ortiz, to the group playing Mars and John Smiley, played by Kellen, loots of the lot. Smiley seems to have the most character, not only having a set of skills, but a demeanor that doesn’t take well to authority

[00:11:04] When you don’t know me.

[00:11:06] I know that the rebel it’s a common enough go to for characterizing a hero. Also, the fact that he’s like one of the only guys who actually has a character arc seriously edges him out on the being interesting in this film. And it also kind of helps that the actor has more film experience than all the rest of the newbies combined. Now, he just has to wait until Ford gets back to him with Mel Gibson’s location, satellite map coordinates for where he’ll be. Well, that was easy. Turns out he’s in Bucharest making a deal and he got 36 hours to track him down and take him in. Yes, in. They want him alive. Sorry, Barney. This was the first movie in the series with a PG 13 rating. Sacrifices had to be made. It’s something about war crimes and fair trials and things like that. And, you know, the stuff we really don’t care that much about getting in the way of our action movies. The end result is Stallone flies into Bucharest with his new team along with Trents help because Schwarzenegger got to keep up appearances if he wants them on that movie poster before long, they reach their drop points. We take care of myself. Yes, you can handle yourselves. We get it. It’s not that interesting. Everybody here can handle themselves. After the drop, we suddenly shift to the following day where we see the new team working together pretty well, doing some spy movie shit to track down and confirm their target location. Now they just have to figure out how to hit them. Strangely enough, everyone assumes Stallone intends to just kick down the door and shoot everyone and then they hold the plan against him. Even the other ones who thought of it

[00:12:40] Would kick down the door and start spraying bullets. It’s a great plan. This nineteen, 1985 five it was supposed to mean. You heard me.

[00:12:49] I’m a strong, independent woman who don’t need no plan. Well, Foreign is the hacking specialist, so he points out computers are magic and he can just shut down every security measure they have.

[00:12:59] Just like that. Just like that. Just like that. Exactly like that.

[00:13:05] Great. Now, there are dozens of people there with guns who will shoot you. You do realize that your plant hasn’t disabled them, right? I guess I’ll just have to wing it. Luckily, Thawne has a fucking pit boy and a little camera drone. That helps, I don’t know. But good on him after Mel Gibson gets in place. Yeah, I know he’s phone banks, but it’s fucking Mel Gibson. They kill the lights, fuck with the security and commence operation, shoot the fuck out of everyone like it’s 1985. Well, that’s a new text. Drearily saved more trouble than in any case, the plan works like a charm allowing Luna to drop in and ts their target, which they bring in with their window. This man, the only problem is they just kidnapped Mel Gibson, who as a villain will have no problem upstaging absolutely everyone on set.

[00:13:52] You’re talking pretty tough to a guy who’s incapacitated, which is good for you. But you cut me loose, I’ll open your shirt and show you’re on the heart.

[00:13:59] He speaks so eloquently with lines straight out of the goddamn borderline Cycos mouth.

[00:14:04] One of the two of us just end this. What do you say? Mix it up. Either you snap in my spine every snap of yours, you know, make it snappy.

[00:14:14] I just love his performance and his delivery of those lines. Of course, that might not hurt, but aside from Stallone in one decent actor he’s sitting next to real life was robots. Well, he has everyone’s undivided attention. He tells all the new guys that, hey, I used to be an expendible like you. Then I took a government contract to the knee. Seems being especially brutal, was somehow frowned upon and the rest of the team was hired to kill him. Barny shot him three times and left him for dead silly goose body armor on. Unfortunately, Ross didn’t check to make sure he was dead. Because. Because. Lots, which is why he can’t shoot him right here and now and up until now, the hacker didn’t even realize that the guy had a GPS tracker on his wrist the whole time. This means that Van can be very carefully blown the fuck up, freeing their hostage. But there is still one chance. I was referring to the gun you had on your holster, but I guess that works, too. That’s the new team is captured and after coming to and killing the bad guys, we tried to finish them off. Stallone finds out that the whole new team is suffering a fate worse than death. They have been transferred into a found

[00:15:26] Footage film, 48 Hours Gone for good. You wanna come down?

[00:15:32] I’m just fucking leave them alone. It’s not worth the hassle.

[00:15:36] What are you going to do?

[00:15:45] Is he actually leaving passes? No, he’s just flown back to base so he can get some equipment turned right back around and going by himself

[00:15:54] To really going to go back alone. Yeah.

[00:15:58] You an idiot. No arguments here. Who the fuck would turn down? Antonio Banderas? Maybe he is learning from his mistakes because when Goudreau shows up out of the blue begging and pleading to join him on the suicide mission, Stallone finally cracks

[00:16:11] Me with the great.

[00:16:15] So and yes, I fucking love Bandera’s in this movie, Gilgo is so damn enthusiastic, talkative, energetic, it would be very easy for a character like this to be annoying as piss, which he is for the rest of the characters. But this performance is spot on and damn entertaining, in my opinion.

[00:16:31] Can I help you up that you’re a mechanic now? Of course I am a mechanic. I am whatever you need me to be, sir. OK, just be quiet. This thing smells good. What is that? Kerosene, gas prices, aviation fuel, aviation fuel.

[00:16:47] In fact, so many movies out there that have been Derricks versus Gibson before they can leave to get fucking killed. The rest of the cast are up to remind us that they’re expendable. Starters don’t wash off. And once you’re an expendable, you’re expendable for life, which means we can finally get back to the ass kicking in one liners.

[00:17:04] You might want to get out of that. Christmas is coming, but go, go get the hell out.

[00:17:11] And we had to wait an hour for this movie to get fun again. With that, the team flies out armed to the teeth and even London got his hands on a pip boy. Oh, about that. Before long, they find the enemy stronghold, which is a block of ruined city, but no bother. They’re able to infiltrate without a problem and locate the new guy safe and sound ish.

[00:17:31] But unfortunately for you, the entire complex has been wired with C4. There was a remote to turn off the C4.

[00:17:38] It’s important to be stomaches.

[00:17:40] You have one minute to cut right wing open or CRIF a key.

[00:17:45] Sadly, that’s not how it went. He merely gave them a ridiculously short amount of time to escape, guaranteeing their death up until High Command realized, just like a pit boy using the powers within, he somehow managed the hack and block the countdown on the C4. But this is one of those special hacks that needs a constant presence, or else it stops working for some reason,

[00:18:03] Batteries at eight percent. When this thing dies, we lose override. That gives us about twenty five minutes tops.

[00:18:08] And no problem, we’re already at the 90 minute mark. There’s plenty of time for your climax. With that in mind, the bulk of the enemy forces roll in and begin the big fucking climactic action sequence. Also the notice finally one where we see the new expendables and the old ones actually working together. So I can’t complain about feeling cheated in this scene except, of course, out of Terry Crews and Schwarzenegger. And gently, Jan. So. I’d still like hail Caesar, but the helps the action is pretty damn good overall, surprisingly clean and guerrilla’s first Expendables movie, but that’s what you get with a PG 13 action movie. At least we had helicopter balls in the sky at random motocross action on the ground, and Gunner even hijacks a tank with tollroad to do some extra damage.

[00:19:00] Well, damn, that’s cool. How hard can it be to kill ten, nine, eight, even just wound a couple?

[00:19:06] Pretty tough. I mean, over the course of three movies, this team has only suffered one death and one injury. Watch closely

[00:19:13] And again. Anybody else? Useless.

[00:19:18] Now play more villains, you

[00:19:21] Kick ass,

[00:19:22] It’s frustrated at his disposal goons being mowed down left and right without even getting a scratch on the good guys, Gibson heads in to take care of it himself. This makes the climax interesting, but it does still feel a little lacking. I mean, the last one spoiled us with draft references, every other line.

[00:19:39] Good morning. Let’s get to the job, but let’s go.

[00:19:43] That works. Now, I’m slightly worried that The Expendables four is going to try and find some way to get that man to the man. People put down their cookies while everyone else moves to escape. Stallone is just directed by Mel Gibson shooting him in the fucking chest.

[00:19:56] Come on, stand up. You feel better.

[00:19:57] It’s just a gunshot wound. Walk it off. The final battle between Stallone and Gibson is interesting enough as the water gives it a visual element that we haven’t seen in any other part of the movie. But melee combat is kind of slow and suspenseful while the block on the sea for defamation is just about over. So they have to wrap this up well. Way more fatal than the three shots he survived before.

[00:20:22] What about The Hague?

[00:20:31] I can’t be that fellow, although the guy is still breathing with this, Stallone narrowly escaped the blowing up, collapsing and physics defying structure, barely reaching the helicopter as it flies off. I guess we could assume stone banks is dead after that, but it was off screen. So who really knows at this point? The point is happy ending. Maybe taking out the bad guy. Cesar got better just in time to let us all know that if they do kill him off, it’ll have to wait until next movie. And Antonio Banderas is officially added to The Expendables

[00:21:02] Because he already spent a fortune. You know what I mean?

[00:21:06] Which I hope means he’ll be included in future installments because. Well, that was The Expendables three. And so, OK, I feel like I should point out that in my opinion, the movie is better than what I’m sure this review is coming out to make it look like an eclipse. One of the issues of trying to cram a feature film into twenty minutes. But aside from that, this particular movie is over two hours long. And on top of that, the original work print is said to have been three and a half hours and it was a lot going on that had to be skimmed over both in the review and the movie itself. That may very well have been caused not only by the fact that they keep adding more members of the cast, but this one in particular introduced just about as many characters as the first movie did. It’s hard to have such a large cast work and show of their individual abilities and have the movie show why each and every one of them is important when the amount of them on the set gets so ridiculously big. Aside from that, though, the first half of this movie just feels incredibly slow as it dives headfirst into heavy emotional territory with Caesar being shot in The Expendables being disbanded despite nobody wanting to leave and the movie taking way too much time to show us.

[00:22:10] Yeah, they don’t like that very much action wise. The film had spectacle going for it, but it wasn’t on the same level as previous entries. It’s extremely rare for the whole team to be together in one spot. They are so frickin many, we rarely see them fighting by themselves either. Overall, the film is all right. That’s pretty much it. It’s just all right. It’s not a terrible movie, but I will agree that it is the weakest of the series coming in at three PIP boys out of five. I don’t think you’ll regret seeing it if you must see every Expendables movie, but you’re probably going to want to go back to the first and second before watching this again. Thank you all for watching Hymenachne Shadow. And remember, if you don’t have time for more than three characters to have growth in your two hour movie, don’t have 50 characters. And I don’t want to spook people I know.