The Boy Next Door (2015)- slammed by Chris Stuckmann

Full-text transcript of The Boy Next Door review:

[00:00:04] The boy next door is directed by Rob Cohen and stars Jennifer Lopez as an English teacher who focuses on classical literature. Wrap your mind around that one, because you’re just going to have to get used to it in this movie, her marriage is going through some problems. She has a son who’s like the sweetest, kindest, most fake teenager I’ve ever seen and a boy who moves in next door who’s like, yeah, I’m almost 20. Like, they make a huge point to be like, hey, this isn’t creepy because he’s almost 20. Did you hear us? He’s he’s almost 20. Just want to make sure you knew that. And they have sex because Jennifer Lopez is attractive and he’s attractive and they’re like, hey, we’re both attractive. So let’s have sex waps. He’s a psychopath. He starts stalking her everywhere, writing graffiti, sending her photographs, all kinds of stuff. He’s crazy and she has to figure out how to save her marriage, her family, her job, everything. And this movie’s terrible. I mean, did you really expect me to say, you know, the boy next door is an OK movie? Not only is this January the Hollywood garbage dump for film, but it’s directed by Rob Cohen, maker of stealth and Alex Cross. And I alluded to it earlier, but I got to bring it up the casting in this movie.

[00:01:16] What Jennifer Lopez is an English teacher teaching classical literature and the vice principal of the school is played by Kristin Chenoweth. Really, it’s all a gigantic pile of Hollywood cliches that you just you can’t stand watching it and you can just tell that no one in the movie is really playing a character. They’re all just trying to look really good for the camera. It’s one of those movies where you watch it and you’re like, I guarantee there are like professional people, like aying every single shot to make sure that Jennifer Lopez looks beautiful and wonderful. And it’s just I can’t stand movies like this, guys. I can’t it’s so poorly acted. It’s so laughably written. It’s filled with so many plot inconsistencies. And it’s the kind of film that when it ends, there are like at least two or three arcs that have yet to be completed. But the film just thinks, well, everyone’s done now, so we’ll just have the end credits play. And though there’s like a ton more story, things that are left hanging that are unresolved in this movie. But they set up all of these various arcs and they never have a completion to it. It’s just like they have all these scenes to lengthen the run time to get it to a feature length where they set up story plot points that are never resolved.

[00:02:30] I didn’t care, though, because I was like, thank goodness, and I left. But then I was reading the IMDB trivia and apparently the film was made in twenty five days on a budget of four million dollars. So it really just seems like Rob Cohen of the writer was just like coming up really fast. Like how do we make this? Like what should we do, old man? We’re running out of time and money. Let’s just end it right here. And of course it’s going to make a profit because Jennifer Lopez I mean, any movie she’s going to be in is more than likely going to open at more than four million just because she is Jennifer Lopez. This is a thing. And studios now, guys, pay attention, please, to box office stuff. I’ve been told some times I pay attention too much to that. But you got to realize this is what the studios are doing to us. They’re making movies for, like, nothing that they know will make a profit simply because of maybe one star or one particular time period. The film’s release, like the first weekend of Halloween or something. And they want to make a profit and want to steal our money. They want to make a crappy movie and it’s terrible. Don’t see it. It’s bad. I’m going to give the boy next door and it’s awful.

[00:03:27] It was hilariously bad, but not in an entertaining way. It just got to a point where I had to force myself to be entertained in some way so that I wouldn’t feel like walking out. And so I just started laughing at everything. I’m sorry. I was laughing. It was funny, was dumb. I it that being said, I am very excited to mention that I do have a new segment coming up called Retro Rewind in which I talk about something from my past that has had an impact on me in some way. I’m really excited to bring it to you because I’m going to have some awesome celebrity guest appearances that I’m really, really psyched about. I can’t even believe I was just like turning out as soon as they agreed to take part in it. My first episode was entirely about Toonami, which is the programming block that popularized anime on Cartoon Network in the late 90s in America. And I can’t wait to talk to you guys about it. I’m super excited about it. And I hope you guys enjoy the episode. I’m working super hard on it. I’ve honestly never had more fun making a video. As always, thank you so much for watching. And if you like this, you can click right here and get stuck. Minimized.