50 Shades Freed (2018)- a review by Jeremy Jahns

Full text transcript of Fifty Shades Freed review:

It pleases me to no end to tell you that the Fifty Shades trilogy is now over. It’s over. Fifty Shades freed, so Fifty Shades Freed is the concluding chapter to the Fifty Shades trilogy, Cousins Over in composure. So in this chapter we have a little montage at the beginning showing them getting married. I was like really engaged. That happened in the last one. I don’t remember. Good news, folks. If you want to forget something, you can if you try hard enough. But in this movie, they’re dealing with marriage and she has a stalker. It’s pretty much a movie set. Oh, you know, sex, which I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how many times I can address it. Any movie that uses sex as a plot, device or sex is the end game. Sex is the point. That’s porn and this is porn without any of the payoff. All the flaws apparent in the previous Fifty Shades films, they’re appearing here. So this franchise, if you can call it that, never evolved like now rated R porn guys, what do you want? But the sex scenes are just uninteresting and the entire thing hinges around this relationship. You don’t give a shit about and you don’t even like them or care about them. And the relationship is completely toxic. The scene where she’s sunbathing, I believe it was at a swimming pool, might have been a beach. I started going to sleep pretty early on in this one, but I believe it was a pool and she was like, yeah, just take my bathing suit off.

He was like, not a chance. You’re showing enough skin as it is. Ladies, girls, women. That is not normal. Leave him immediately. You can’t change him. And if you do, it’s not going to make you feel 50 Shades freed. It’s going to trap you in life’s too short to deal with that shit. That’s a big problem in this movie. Most of this video is going to be me bitching about the relationship. But since the relationship is the point of the movie and the driving force there to address in the review does at no point in this movie do you feel like their relationship is that of equal? Just tells young women out there, it’s like, well, if he doesn’t view as an equal, he can one day. But it’s not how that shit works. It’s just the cycle of when girls are young, they’re told boys pull their hair because they like them. And it’s probably true for the time. But they when boys become men, they should probably drop that shit. This movie is like not put up with it. That’s normal. And nothing could be further from fucking normal. Hambone, you’re showing enough skin. Who’s that guy? Why are you around attractive men? Because it’s my job. And he’s a fucking author and I’m his publicist. What do you want, Quetzal? It just comes across as toxic, controlling and basically what’s wrong with relationships today? Not all of them.

But if this wasn’t seen as normal to enough people, this movie wouldn’t be made. But this one scene where he’s pissed at her creepily watches her sleep. He’s like, come with me to the dungeon. These starts coming on her. And she was like, I thought you were mad at me. And if he had said, I am, but I’m going to revenge fuck you really hard and it’s going to make me feel better because that’s healthy. That would have been honest because that was the situation, at least the movie address. That was weird. That’s inconsistent. He didn’t do this this one time. This is how he operates. He’s insecure. He deflects his insecurity on to you. You eat shit and deal with it. And what it reminds me of is that Edward Bella bullshit. When Edward in the Twilight movies was like, you’re not going to see Jacob, which it is because the Fifty Shades books, they started out as Twilight fan fiction, which means when I’m watching it, the reason it feels like high school, middle school bullshit is because it is this entire franchise is Twilight fan fiction. It is based off of high school romance. So they act like high school students, but they’re not supposed to be high school students. But they are going to get a video game and you have a character that plays a certain way.

Then you get a skin to make that character a different character, which still plays the same way. Like an injustice to you. Get Raiden, you have a black lightning skin. You can make him black lightning, but he plays like. Right. So he’s essentially still and that’s what it is. They’re Twilight characters, but they’re career based adults. They’re not. Everything from their communication to their volatile emotions just shows that they are high school students. Thank God it’s over now. I mentioned it’s over now. If this were any other story, like if this were a rom com, Christian Grey would be the Dick boyfriend, we would want our protagonist, good guy character to steal the girl away from. So happens, I guess he’s the good guy, but you never really see him as the good guy because he’s a chef, which makes you go, all right, villain. But how do you get past that? Will you have another villain, some guy stalking her, which also doesn’t make sense because you’re like, here’s security footage of him stealing shit from your building, Mr. Gray. He’s like, all right, well, I’ll put security on you. You want to go to the cops? No, I think security is good. I mean, we have footage of him. We identified who he is. But let’s not go to the cops. They talk about how he’s been missing for a month, but they didn’t even try. At no point where they look at the police report totally, I guess they should talk about the acting.

The acting was terrible. It’s just not better, you know. I mean, bless them. The cash in here, they’re there for the paycheck and good for them. They got their paycheck. They never have to do another one of these movies because that’s right. Is over now. For them, I was more interested in the girl who wanted to bang the bodyguard, at least that was honestly she was like, I just want one night with that dude, which is pretty much what the main two are like. But they’re just they’re miserably married. Now, you can just tell the entire premise of the story was written by someone who just doesn’t know how to write, like what she kind of drops the hints about, like, well, do you want kids? And he’s like, oh, hum. And she’s like, you eventually do want kids, though, right? I’m just thinking you probably should have talked about this before that wedding montage at the beginning of the movie. You didn’t know if you wanted kids, you just married him. In the end. I will say this. The script for this one was better than the second one leasers, no weird helicopter crash. But then he just comes back and he’s fine. It means nothing. I guess this movie’s version of that is the last 15 minutes of the movie where they’re like, it’s all wrapped up. All right. Here’s some family back story that you didn’t ask for the end.

So I guess you find out about his past. And I suppose there’s an interesting story in there somewhere. The movie didn’t execute it at all. In fact, they make the whole thing, the resolution, the point of all of it, an afterthought. I don’t care about them. If I didn’t care about them after being water boarded for six hours of these movies, I’m going to start now. My only regret is I didn’t leave the movie theater when I wanted to. Like when it’s clear, it’s like, all right, it’s all done. Now there’s just wrap up. I wanted to leave and I was like, I just stick around. I was like, no, that was useless. Have left 50 Shades freed, took two hours out of my life. I could not tell you which of these movies is the worst one. All I could say is it’s painful, it’s horrible, it’s useless. The relationships toxic and Fifty Shades freed is in fact dog shit. But hey, at least it’s over. So ugly cry because something horrible is over. Fifty Shades, freed, happy. I fucking hope you haven’t. So I’m going to assume you have not seen the 50 Shades movie. So what is the worst movie ever made for you? Whatever it is, whatever you think, comment below. Let me know. And as always, if you like what you’ve seen here and you want to see more, click right here to see more.