Fifty Shades Darker Cast- CinemaSins’ sentiment on actors

Full text transcript of Fifty Shades Darker review

We send the uncut version of this movie by accident, and, yes, I’m giving the movie a scene for this because ultimately I watched about 20 more minutes of this tripe than I should have had to Comcast. Oh, great dreams. Position explaining Christian’s upness. Maybe we should give this guy 45 more chances like Anastasiya does. You mean isn’t the director of Glengarry Glen Ross James Foley? And you mean isn’t in the director? Who’s that girl? James Foley reanimating Madonna’s corpse for a video full of xylophone music would be better than this. This movie exists,

Let me tell you so

I know. Let’s get a cover of Coldplay as the scientist. But this time we’ll make it slow and mournful, like was an asshole. There is such a thing as planting, right? Or giving this book to a cancer kid. Still not sure what kind of pictures this franchise has of Danny Elfman to continue forcing him to score these turds. Who are these people? Am I supposed to remember? I’ll be honest. I watched the first movie I wrote since the first movie. Still not sure I remember any of it. I’m sorry. Dakota Johnson is gorgeous. Who decided to style her with these bangs and to red lipstick for this movie. Mercato, she’s on the bus. And the last movie he gave her a car. I guess we’re jumping ahead and they’ve broken up and she’s refusing his money and cars and and thus rides the bus now. But the bus, the bus researching, researching on this dude is E.L. James husband. What this means to me is that nobody in Hollywood wanted to write this thing, not even Anne Rice. I mean, look at this fucking apartment. How can she afford to live here in this place, which in Seattle is probably three thousand dollars a month or more, but that’s to take the goddamn bus home from work moving needed to make up its mind about how much money she has.

My boss has me weighing in on submissions.

I thought it was your former boyfriend, Christian Grey, who was having you weigh in on submissions. The hell kind of photographer invites a person to an exhibit but does not tell that person they are featured in said exhibit an immoral one. That’s it.

Like so much of my face in here.

But if I had asked, you would have been like, I’m too shy.

Also sounds like another way of saying no, but let’s go with the I’m too shy bit to soften it.

They just bought all six.

If only he had known there was an untapped Christian grey market out there, he could have made the whole exhibit. Anastasia Steele and retired this talk.

Please have dinner with me.

I just went from just talk someplace private to dinner wicked fast. Jose wants us to leave with Christian and looks on disapprovingly because he is the Jacob in this movie, which means he hates Christian, loves Hannah and will eventually fall in love with their daughter. Roughly a few months after she’s born, Christian leads Anna into Murder Alley, which is bad enough. But then he starts kissing her with no warning, which seems kind of wrong. But she kisses him back. This movie spent its first nine minutes pouring on the evidence that she hated him. But ten minutes after their first reunion, they’re both down to who was hornier. These characters are the people writing them

To steaks, medium fries, green vegetables.

Wow. OK, first thing is for ordering for your female date like you’re in the 1950s. I don’t care that she shows power by correcting him and ordering a quinoa salad. What it’s like sand comes in for his ordering still stands. Second sentence for simply saying green vegetables as part of your order. That could mean anything from creamed spinach to boiled cabbage to Campese. I know you’re more worried about talking to Anna than the meal itself, as is the movie, but god damn dude what are like you’ve eaten a meal before. Jesus. I’ll have the meat to vegetables in the garb of some kind

Of things you want. He said that’s the way you are.

I mean cinema since a whole bonus round on that, the

Rules of punishments.

How does this ever get Fifty Shades darker without any punishments and no more secrets? She seems more concerned moving forward that he won’t keep secrets from her than she is, that he might viciously spank her ass with a whip again. I see. Along with her bangs, Anna has also recently trimmed her perspective with strings attached. Look, if you’re just going to start naming movies that are way better than this one, we’re going to be here a long time. This is spiky. I like it. Yeah. Just wait until shaping your inner thigh. What what do I say? That was so wrong. I just I mean, you were thinking it too fast. Saves his secretary from creepy sidewalk chick by taking her out for a beer. Just the two of them. Is the greater sin, the boss’s timing or his intentions?

Christian, this is Jack. Hi.

I’m the boyfriend. Jesus. I humbly submit that any guy who introduces himself to his girls boss this way is an asshole. And trust me, I know assholes that came out wrong.

Can’t believe you just talk to him like that.

He wants what’s mine is yours.

Just one day after this asshole gets anesthesia back, he’s already talking about an extremely possessive terms. And this movie is allowed to continue here.

Your new favorite

Flavor. God damn it. Now, I’ll never be able to use vanilla ice cream during a sex act again without getting grossed out. Never pressure a guy who is actively chopping vegetables with a sharp knife. Do you want severed fingers because this is how you get severed fingers,

You know that cell phones

Do. She already brushed your dick and insinuated you guys were about to be sleeping with each other. Suddenly, the chest is off limits. Maybe I should have paid attention to the nightmare at the beginning, but I think you and I can agree this movie was asking too much. This is her bedroom. OK, first of all, if Kevin Costner kills them tonight, he will get photographed by someone across the way taking photos. Second of all, someone is surely across the way taking photos and dressed. I’m sure that sounded sexy in the screenwriter’s head, but he never bothered to say it out loud. Also movie we’re only watching for the sex takes over 21 minutes to sex

On

Stage. You already asked this in the kitchen two minutes ago and she replied, You. So why are you asking it again? Pants on. So it was that figure in the bedroom just for us was a foreshadowing. Was it a dream? Cue moving. Just focus on the sex and leaphorn to Blumhouse.

Could you please transfer 24000 dollars into the cannabis Anastasia Steele?

This is the second time in eight minutes where the movie is allowed to continue after Christian Grey does something like this, only how you could fit an entire clown cars were the clowns under that big ass umbrella.

You know that girl I’m handling? What does that mean? I want you to worry about it.

Trustme, discount Kim Basinger. Holy.

Why would you take me to meet the woman who seduced and abused you?

I’m pretty sure if I went to see this movie in theaters, I would have been kicked out by now. First off, I’d be unable to keep obscenities to a minimum second off. My hands would constantly be thrown up in the air wondering why Anastasia puts up with this third off. I would have peed on the Logan display on the lobby, said Mrs. Robinson.

I don’t care what your name is, Christian. Why would you take me there?

She has a good point. The good as the points. This is fucking Seattle and there are likely three dozen overpriced spots for rich dudes to pay for their girlfriends to get better haircuts. A relationship ended years ago. We’re just friends. Classic not answering. The question

Is Lila

Williams. The fact that I have a whole file on her with her Social Security number, sexual orientation and that she has a mother named Yulu Broncho should not scare you whatsoever. Seriously, Christian has files on the women he likes. He takes surveillance photos. She’ll continue to fuck him after this. Should have been called Fifty Shades Dumber. Am I right?

I had them drawn up and any perspective

Doesn’t make it less creepy. Dude, seriously, this motherfucker should be in jail. He’s a stalker, predator, abuser, and probably more we don’t even see like an insider trader.

This isn’t a relationship question. It’s ownership.

She’s 100 percent right. And yet the rest of this movie and at least one more movie will still continue to come in the bedroom.

Sex is not going to fix this right now. Are you insane?

Please, and that’s all it takes to get her to agree. She was literally just justifiably lambasting him for his multiple sub spying, etc. But he says please and she just relents. Ladies of the world, there are men out there, lots of them, that do not treat women like this and are happy to just give you a roof and some cuddles when she’s done. It’s going to be an upside down portrait of Abraham Lincoln.

Those are my partners.

I can live with that.

And all I ask, what

Does this do for her? The argument was about Christian doing like giving her money she doesn’t want and buying the company she works for and taking her to the salon where Kim Basinger works. It had nothing to do with no touchstones, but now she’s on board with being with him after this barbarous lipstick scene here. Who’s here? OK, God damn it, you can play head games all you want, Christian, but when you play the pronoun game, you’ve gone too far. Well, her name is Anna. Oh, three minutes of the movie are dedicated to Ben Wombles.

No yapping of my.

But this is exactly what my college ex-girlfriend said when I showed her my collection of Transformers toys. Granted, I may have chosen a more time to do so. Bad guys always travel in a convoy of black as you wait. I thought this was a sex movie. Why are there bad guy SUVs that he’s looking at us? Literally no one we’ve seen so far is looking at.

You got expelled from four different schools for brawling.

That’s nothing. He’s been expelled from fourteen nonprofit boards for bending people over and spanking them

At a place that has

Suddenly random properties the highly wealthy Christian owns is a big deal to Anastasiya when all the other terribleness should have had a running since real. What movie is modern and takes place in roughly 2016 2017. But here’s a television set from 1998 just for kicks. Oh, I want you to look. I’m down with a good sexual spanking like anyone else, but why does this matter? This is why these kinds of movies don’t make good sequels. The shock of it all was spent on the first one. And what’s worse, her concerns about this guy are completely gone. I can’t write this as a scene and Chris will and should delete it. But God damn does she have a great ass, the character. I mean,

Because too much you have to tell this stuff

Stuff. Aren’t you supposed to create a safe word? I nominate the word twilight. This goes on for some time. Christian doesn’t even take off his pants. And I get the urgency for sex does happen and sex with pants on does happen. But regardless, the scene is being played as passionate when really a. poor thing are being utterly treif right now by some combination of belt parts, zipper parts and cotton polyester blend cloth. Maybe I’ve just outed myself as a sex should be done, mostly naked proponent, but it’s a platform I’m willing to base my entire political campaign around. Meanwhile, back at the ball, we don’t give a shit about in the first place, the movie decides to show us that the ball is still going on. Well, isn’t that neat? Fake photo of young Christian Grey is so fake that I’m surprised Anastasia doesn’t confront Christian about it. And again, when he doesn’t give her an answer, who’s this? Is that your mother? She’s so near and dear to his heart, she wedges her picture into a USC poster frame.

Do you think you’re the first woman he’d hoped would save him?

Lady, you literally just said without me

He’d be in jail

Or dead. So isn’t he saved? I swear to God and I don’t mean this as an insult, but whoever wrote this has never interacted with a human being before. Like someone asked. And I want to rip off Twilight and bots being bots. We ended up with conversations that make no sense, like this one. He needs a

Submissive in life, not just in the bedroom. No, he’s changing that.

Anastasia believes this. That’s my

Car. What happened?

Ok, a few things here. First, you have a car. Why were you riding the bus earlier? Second, they clearly established that they were going to Kristen’s place, but her car is there. Why? In the limo, she said, take me to my house. And he instead decided to take her to his place. So her car was there already and she wanted to be dropped off at home by the SUVs, even with her car at Christians. Is that why she takes the bus? Yes. The vandals snuck past security to wreck Anna’s car, Christian’s penthouse. So we can’t stay there tonight. But surely she has no idea he has a boat, right? This boat on a public dock is way more secure.

If something were to happen to you because of me,

A psycho bitch just vandalized Anastasia’s car and she’s perfectly calm and confident that nothing is going to happen to her. Should I call this movie Fifty Shades Dumber? Oh, OK. Minor props to the movie for still having that lipstick on his torso. But also, no one will be seated during the Anastasia spongers. Christians, just lipstick. Arsène, I

Know how difficult it is for you to open up to me and tell me these things means you

Love me. Yes, I do. Christian does not open up and tell her those things, but they nonetheless sleep well. I understand why the first book and movie were such big hits Saxman Dirty Fantasy Sex. But what is completely unclear is how the sequel managed to rope anyone in 06. The stakes are not raised. This is just some boring Nicholas Sparks type movie. Now, this movie would have you believe that Anna never goes a single moment without her two bright red lipstick handy. She just woke up. Is lipstick literally the first move for her? I mean, I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, take a shower, whether morning or just after a nap. This girl goes lipstick first, then all other concerns. We now interrupt this movie to sell the soundtrack to this movie. Also, when I think of a book and a movie empire based on BDM, I think of Taylor Swift in a heartbeat and. I’m the captain, you’re going in circles, is what you’re doing worse than that, you’re backtracking then going in circles. Since we already previously saw this shot where you were past the unique island with the clear brown rocky patch and headed to the bay, or maybe, just maybe the overhead crew shot a ton of B roll and then little attention was paid during editing regardless. Can we just agree these are some lazy ass movies? OK, so does Christian only send this dream of me text or is this the first one? Because remember earlier in the movie he sent her this bullshit and she sent back a completely different text than the one that appears here.

Do we care one way or another what Christian thinks about Anastasiya going to work with the boss? Do we care what happens if she decides to go against his wishes? Maybe there are people who hope they don’t break up, but those people are sick bastards and shouldn’t be approached in public. Also, I hate to bring this up, but when she replies, I wasn’t asking. It shows that she punctuated it with a period when it goes back to her phone, she didn’t punctuate at all. So now you can only feel free to hate this movie because I know you were holding back before. Now say it wasn’t Christians. Please, DM, Nazife, because that car vandalism and stalker, no one is caught yet and that’s why they slept on the boat, which they then took out for leisure after. Why is this place suddenly safe again? The Vanel stalker hasn’t been caught Whiley that night, but come back a day later. You’re either worried about security or you’re not. If you had a room like this in your home, would you ever forget to lock it? I don’t think there’s an apocalypse. I feel like she should know this already. And now I think the movie is just getting off on showing us sex equipment, which is a truly ironic fetish.

Let’s learn to walk before we run.

I kind of like running.

What? No, you don’t. That’s the whole point of these movies we’ve seen so far less

Than we did this. You saw another side of me and you left last time was different. No, it wasn’t holy.

What is this? And by the way, wasn’t she pissed about him putting his foot down about New York? What happened to that? Oh, wow. This franchise was supposed to be about the edge of BDM stuff. But here in the middle of the trilogy, halfway through the second movie, we’re doing cuffs. That’s it. Is this the darker they’re talking about? Hey, somebody wake me up when the darker happens. Still got an hour to prove the title isn’t a lie.

I’m so grateful for the opportunity, Jack, but with such short notice, I made plans that I can’t change.

Wait a minute. Didn’t she and Christine agree to go to New York together in the previous scene just three minutes ago? Isn’t she still going? Is this movie now saying she’s not going? Matt Lauer, if you’re going to

Hear Weiner from the that, you should do it with someone who can at least make you smarter.

What the actual plenty of rich people penthouses have been filmed, but this might be the most couch infested and heavily polluted penthouse apartment in the history of film. I tried counting chairs and pillows and woke up seven hours later speaking Portuguese.

I happened to learn to walk before we run.

Jesus Christ like you care. You’re the one who’s constantly breaking your principles.

Boyce Fox, for example, got 80000 hits last week.

Oh, man. The sins here. First of all, 80000 hits hits. Are you even talking about person who made up Internet hits as a positive marketing statistic? Second of all, 80000 news flash. You Dick 80000. Anything on the Internet means exactly nothing. While she enjoys the fact that she just got promoted to her former bosses job, I’d like to remind everyone, mostly her, that this is a company that is essentially owned by her kinky sex partner boyfriend. So that’s what you want, Anna, but earned her unearned is something everyone from your co-workers to movie viewers will be discussing for a long time now.

Maybe we could take this celebration home,

You know, for another unexciting, sexy, this movie is like porn, but we’re not the pizza delivery guy and the hole in the box. Your place, Olaf angering also. Is this the best they can do? Man, I’d rather watch Fear where Marky Mark does this to Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster. At least there’s a real ride there. He’s clearly fingering her here. And I just like to speak for humanity when I say you cannot finger a lady on an elevator without someone else realizing it through at least one of their five senses. I mean, sex smells also. What’s it like to be an extra in this scene? I got to be in a movie once Fifty Shades Darker. It was one of those people in the elevator when Kristen fingers Anastasia. Anyway, Mom said more money. He says they literally just cut from a scene of them exiting an elevator after he fingered her, then immediately cut to another shot of them getting off another elevator. Dear rich people combining the pool room and the library and the wine cellar. Genius, I tell you, this movie gets super crazy when Tom Cruise shows up and starts training Anastasia to be a real pool shark. And then they Grandmont Dark and Paul Newman into this thing. Hey, remember that chick who had the bandage around her arm we thought was real important and there was drama about Anastasia’s car getting vandalized? Yeah, I don’t either. Then playing pool and her being better than expected at pool is maybe the stupidest waste of time in the entire film.

I’ve had it rough with you, with me.

And then he bends her over and doesn’t. Doggystyle came here to see the craziest sex ever and you got that terrible sex scene between Meryl Streep and Liam Neeson. And before and after you’ve got to love these kind of movies were random. People have the ability to just break into whatever place they want with no sign of forced entry. Also, didn’t Kristen have his men looking out for this chick or did they forget her like the movie? Did you know you should have had a security system installed in her apartment the day after her car was vandalized? That way, no one would be able to break in and give you a reason to feel like you should go up there with her. Now, you’d think someone outside like Christina’s men would have heard that gunshot

Master sleeps in your bed. How do you know that?

I saw you remember how you left the curtains open. Told you someone was watching. Hey, Kim Basinger is probably out there watching as well. Am I wrong or did they just turn this character into a submissive MacGuffin like she’s really not important to the plot or anything, just a tool so that animals start believing she can’t give Christian what he really wants and something called a Fifty Shades Free can be made said. Dumpster walk. Say, boss, how many shots are walking in the rain, do you think we need to truly convey her current emotional state? Oh, man, at least 16. Now we know why it rained so much in Seattle. It’s usually because Kristen and Anastasia are fighting. I’m scared not because of the controlling nature and all the red flags, but because I might not be submissive enough that they nearly broke up yesterday and she just woke him up from a terrible nightmare three seconds ago. And he rolls over and says this. Christian Grey has a pommel horse in his home gym and he’s about to use it as part of his daily workout regimen. This is impressive, but God damn, there’s still 30 minutes left in this movie and all the conflicts are resolved in America. Why? Because divorce is common these days and not so much of a stigma. And I’ll be having you sign a prenup anyway. So basically, it’s not that much of a risk or leap.

What do I get Christian for his birthday?

Pretty sure this character’s already been on screen in this movie and yet no clue who this is. Might still be the movie’s fault. Remember that close friend of Anna’s who was a photographer in the beginning of the film? He hasn’t shown up since then. So do you. The Seattle pop up Mobile Street bodega actually has gift boxes.

My ass can’t open it till the day that I give it to me. They’ll call it delayed gratification.

Or in the case of this movie, no gratification. Hey, did you guys know Seattle has a Space Needle building? Because this movie seems determined to make sure you do. If he didn’t before a movie called Portland Dull. And I’m ready to give this movie 50 seconds out of spite. Well, Portland, Tennessee, is less dull in this movie. They’re proud and progressive, I hear, pressuring a girl on a marriage proposal. Responses generally not considered kosher. It’s also not wise, given what limited knowledge I have attained about women over the years. Also, do you really want to get engaged over text messages? Because this is how you engaged over text messages? Screenwriters fantasy about dying in a helicopter crash while writing this bullshit accidentally makes it into the script and gets filmed. What is that story? Is the main climactic problem seriously going to be Christian nearly dying in a helicopter crash? Like seriously. So for the sequel, you ripped off 90 percent Twilight and 10 percent San Andreas. I get good money. If once they crash, they get devoured by vampires and werewolves because they accidentally, literally crashed into a Twilight movie.

Did you hear about Ozzy show? It was incredible.

Hey, that guy, the photographer guy from the opening movie, forgot about him for nearly two hours. But there he is still being that guy and stuff.

Christian Grey and his colleague Ros Bailey have been found safe and well.

That was such a horrifying three minutes that they dedicated to this helicopter crash. For a minute there. I thought it was going to be something in the story. God, I’m glad everyone’s OK. Also, here’s another thousand sense.

Sorry, guys. I got to take off.

I’m a photographer, you know. I mean, I realize it’s late and we’re all jazz Christian survived that deadly crash. And I love Anna and we’ll never get to be with her. But I totally have valid reasons for taking off early here. Ruby goes through a return of the king length farewell and it’s only the second goddamn movie. Jesus, this movie makes the word yes seem like it’s two hours long. Yes, yes. Dude, if it’s on a keychain, it’s for life. Fully clothed shower for playing the Redvale.

I sure. Yes.

All that earlier about his need to dominate at the end. She just relents and says this honestly might be the two movie franchise leads I hate most in all of cinema. They both deserve to be miserable and die alone. Sorry, but it’s true. These people all suck my ass. There are fifteen minutes left in this movie. Thanks for asking. How are you? Are you guys good? He’s the one. He sure is. He’s the only person who can bring down the Matrix and give me that sweet, sweet Rage Against the Machine credits music.

Have you called Ray? No, not yet. Christian did though he asked for his permission.

Christian Grey, a.k.a. Anastasia’s dads permission to marry his daughter might have been a fun scene, which is why it was not included in this movie. Can Basinger’s pissed off about something which proves my theory. When Kim Basinger is pissed about something that means a whole other movie needs to get made to resolve it. You can ask the producers of boxing, Helena, you don’t

Care about Christian. He’ll see that. I’ll make sure of it.

You got the actress, but the movie for introducing then ignoring this character only to bring her back here at the end is some kind of sequel to her Oscar Oscar violence in this movie. I don’t know whose room this is, but someone forgot to tell them they accidentally hung up a Chronicles of Riddick poster in here.

Oh, my

God. The fact that this room looks exactly like the one where Heather Madrazo got killed in hostile to shouldn’t worry you at all. Marriage proposal number two ends in a yes, but so did the first one. So cigarette smoking man here is supposed to get me feeling all scary and ominous about the final chapter. In reality, I’m just wondering why he needs to relook at this picture for revenge, boner inspiration here in the dark. And thank God this movie is over.

Why is it so hot in here? I’m the boyfriend, I’m the boss. I drive a Dodge Stratus

And I apologize that Christian was so curt with you

From Kurt, which was because time is a factor.

No, not at all.

I want you back. I’m the boss, I’m the boss. Kiss me. What a pleasure.

Oh, my God, I’m staring at. I’m doing this, I’m the captain. I frankly,

I hear the blues call them toss salad.