Cast Of 50 Shades Of Grey- Jeremy Jahns’ sentiment on actors

Full text transcript of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie review:

You know, it’s increasingly apparent that mathematics do not apply to the literary world example, mathematics tell us a negative and a negative equals a positive literary world. If you have a shitty author, take inspiration from another shitty author who doesn’t make a positive movie, doesn’t make a good movie, just make shit. It’s shit inspired by shit which creates more shit. It’s all negative. No math, no logic. Why are we here? Fifty Shades of socially acceptable porn that your girlfriend is going to insist she’s allowed to watch even after she made you delete your entire digital stash. I know it’s completely unfair, the hypocrisy. So Fifty Shades of Grey is the movie adaptation based on the book, which is based off a Twilight fan fiction. Seriously, look it up. That’s how it started. It’s completely apparent this was inspired by Twilight. Everyone in this movie is an exaggeration or cartoon version of a Twilight character. You have saved me from my boring ass life, Bella in Twilight. Edward was this really controlling shitty boyfriend. This great guy is, of course. I mean, he’s a dominatrix, so he’s more controlling. I mean, this guy is a complete freak. Not only I mean, the people have their bedroom kinks. I get it. That’s not bad. It’s not necessarily freaky. It’s not scary. But it’s when he’s, like, bumped into a couple of times at this point, she just gets his phone number and she drunk dials them and she’s like, hey, I’m drunk. 

And he’s like, what are you drinking? Stop drinking right now. You put down that devil water. You don’t know this girl that well. Why are you ordering her to do stuff just to be a dick right there? That should have been a red flag, should have been like, you know, not that guy. Odds are that went through her mind. She was like, okay, but he’s a billionaire. All right. I guess I’ll put up with it. Yeah. Team Jacob Friendzone is really pathetic, too. He’s like, Hey, friend, what do you want to do today? I totally want to fuck your tits, but I’m not going to be able to because I’m not a billionaire. But this movie is the gimmick is the cinema shit. That’s what sells this movie. It’s ultimately it is porn. The bummer for the movie is that it’s theatrical release porn. So, hey, it wants to play with the big boys. It wants to be judged as a movie. We’re going to judge this shit as a movie. I mean, if Jenna Hayes Darkside was released as a movie, like a shitty movie, it has no plot. Why are we here? Jenna has Dark Side, knows what it is. It knows it’s porn. It knows you’re going to skip to the good scenes. It just goes on its merry way. No one judges it for that. But, hey, Fifty Shades wants to be a movie.

All right? The leads in this movie have no chemistry whatsoever. It’s the most forced romance since Anakin and Padma. It’s terrible. Everyone is the idealistic, perfect version of what they need to be for this plot to be like who? It’s like Twilight, this billionaire who’s like he’s a complete playboy. He does sadomasochistic shit. I mean, you know, that’s his world is obviously completely incompatible with this completely innocent girl. You can be like, oh, no, he finds that appealing. But it’s not that she’s innocent. She’s kind of open to it. It’s just she’s innocent and she’s boring in the sexual aspect of it. She’s not as open to the possibilities as he would want someone like her to be. So you’re like, why are you going after her? Well, you hit a dry spell, dude. Are you this really attractive model looking billionaire that doesn’t have titties just thrown at him day in, day out? You just have to go after the girl who dresses like she sits in the front row pew of her Bible Belt church. I don’t get any of it. And then there’s her. She’s like, no, this is too much for me. At a point they’re going over the contract. She’s like, no, I’m not doing that. I’m not doing that. I’m not doing that. And he gets a disappointed look at his face. You think he’d be like, you know, we’re not that compatible.

I guess it let’s just move on, go our separate ways. And it’s not like they’ve known each other for two whole days at the point where they’re like, oh, I’m completely infatuated with you. It’s that they’ve bumped into each other a couple times. That’s enough for them to be like, oh, you know what, I need you. There’s even this shitty ass line where I mean, she’s like, I’m a virgin. Yeah. She’s a Virgin Jesus girl who so cherishes her virginity and has all of her life. She’s never had sex, but now she’s going to give it up to this dude that she’s run into a couple of times in the course of a couple of days. I assess one thing from that. She’s a gold digging whore to see where she breaks that tomb. She’s like, I’ve never had sex. I’m a virgin. He’s like, where have you been all my life? Is his hands cupping her face? She’s like, we’re hitting for you. I was like the amount of people that line had to get past to make it on screen. No one called it. No one was like, you know, this shit to stretch already. But that’s not making it. That’s actually too bad. And the fact that the lead actors have zero chemistry in this movie, that is just terrible. It’s bad enough. What do you think? All right. What’s the overall plot? The overall plot? Is there shitty as stupid romance? It shouldn’t be happening because they’re completely incompatible with each other.

I mean, another shitty ass movies where you have bad acting and it uses sex as the driving force for the plot, there is usually bigger shit happening. Basic Instinct. It’s like, oh, who killed the guy with the ice pick Twilight Mark this day I’m going to use Twilight in comparison to Fifty Shades of Grey as the positive. Oh my God, how did we get here? Is a society at least Twilight had the element of all the werewolves might fight the vampires. That might be a big fight going on. There might be a battle. You can’t have your weird freak hybrid baby because the Illuminati are like your lives apart until you and all that shit this says, there’s nothing except the fact these two kind of wanted change other. But they shouldn’t and they start to realize they shouldn’t. And it’s just boring. It’s the movie. There’s no bigger picture shit and that it’s the essence and stuff that is the gimmick that’s driving the movie. If the shit’s not happening, you’re just drudging through the bad dialogue, zero chemistry and the shitty script to get there. And even when it does happen, it’s actually not that interesting. And the fact is, I know a lot of my subscribers were looking forward to me shitting on Fifty Shades of Grey.

And I knew that. And I was like, I don’t want to shit on Fifty Shades of Grey just because people are expecting me to. If it’s not a shitty movie, I’m going to be like, hey, guess what? It’s not actually as terrible as I thought it was going to be and it’s not actually as terrible as I thought it was going to be. It’s actually worse. Fifty Shades of Grey is worse than Twilight. It’s worse than dark. Shit. Oh, yeah, it’s nothing. And there it is, that’s the vortex friends that’s doing nothing. That’s what The Neverending Story was warning us about. That is where your pride goes when you’re sitting in this auditorium because you watch this movie and you skipped out on Kingsmen. And there’s going to be three more of these movies. I say three because there’s two more books after this one. But, you know, they’re going to split that last movie into two parts. It’s three. All right. So did your girlfriend drag you to 50 Shades of Grey? Have you seen this movie? What do you think about it? Whatever is going on below, let me know. Or if not, you can tell me the shittiest movie you’ve ever seen. Really is a good one. Let’s issue this movie you’ve ever seen. And as always, if you like what you’ve seen here and you want to see more, click right here to see more.