Cars 2 movie review (2011)- by MrBKainX

Full text transcript of the Cars 2 movie review:

Iraq War Journal Number 101, The impossible has happened a day I never thought would come a day I have been avoiding for months now the day that I bust a Pixar film.

Greetings, bad boys and fan girls, I mean, riding on the blockbuster Buster and I love Pixar, my all time favorite movie is a Pixar film, which incidentally, was co-written by my favorite filmmaker, Joss Whedon. To me, Pixar is now what Disney was in the early 40s and in the mid 90s. The majority of the films are awesome, and even the ones that are not quite as popular still have their fans.

But they still produced a movie that is despised by critics and moviegoers alike. This was the first Pixar movie to Bond. It was the first Pixar movie that I did not go to the theaters and it was the first one to ignite my rage.

And to make matters worse, this movie was directed by one of my all time favorite film makers and key founder of Pixar, John Lasseter, who also directed Toy Story Toy Story two and a Bugs Life.

But before we dive into this, we have to deal with the mediocre horribleness that is this movie’s prequel. So here to tell you about the first film is A Lover. Oh, damn.

I forgot Jarvis. Yes, it’s the cronut stabilize already. Yes, but I haven’t had a chance to test it. Well, there’s no time like the present day. Where do I go? Oh, wait, no. I meant to bring back. Never mind. Welcome back. Fedorov ready that I go somewhere. Mystery. Yeah.

Darth Lucas momentarily removed you from time and space so you wouldn’t reveal his identity to me. You know what? It’s a long story. Hold on just a second. Why bring back in Lover Jarvis.

Why doesn’t this work? I’m afraid that you have exhausted the current energy supply. Well, how long is it going to take to recharge seven days, seven days? Sorry about the mishap, Mr.. Is there anything I can do? Actually. Yes. Could you do a quick synopsis of the first Cars movie? Anything for you? A mystery. Thanks, Jeff. All right. Here we go. Those animated picture cars is Hollywood. We’re talking cars. How that mystery. Holy shit. You’re right.

Michael J. Fox is Lightning McQueen, Woody Harrelson as mayor, Julie Warner as Sally and Bernard Hughes is Doc Hudson for Freddy.

You just blew my frickin mind. It’s what I do. Mystery. Well, there you have it. Even the originals, a piece of unoriginal tripe. All right. I have delayed this long enough. It’s time to take Old Yeller out back and shoot them. So let’s do this.

So our movie begins with Secret Agent Car Finnmark missile, played by Alfred himself, Michael Caine. We follow him along as he infiltrates an evil oil rig.

It’s.

Wow, that was pretty awesome.

Oh, no. Oh, no, I said thought it was awesome at the beginning of the movie.

You know what that means with Finnmark missile gone? Who can stop us now? Major Tomita.

That’s who I hate. Mader He’s an unfunny douchebag character played by an unfunny douchebag comedian.

This true story. My brother is deaf, but he wrote this song three days ago. I promised I’d play it for him. It goes like that.

That was not funny.

The good news is that mayors just a side character, so let’s just wait for his scene to go by so we can get back to the movie.

All right, pal. I’ve been waiting all summer for this. What do you got planned? Oh, you sure you can handle it? Come on. You know who you’re talking to. This is Lightning McQueen. I can handle anything. And I’m.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This is the movie Mader is now the main character of cars, not Lightning McQueen, even though he was the most prominently featured character in all the promotional material, including the cover of the DVD.

O o o o o o.

Oh, yeah, that still didn’t hurt as much as sitting through an hour and a half of Larry the cable guy. So after five minutes of pointless patting, McQueen finally tells Mader to go fuck himself so he can spend some time with his girlfriend, Sally. And let me guess, he’s going to go with them anyway because he’s a socially retarded douche.

Good evening. Oh, my name is Mater and I’ll be your waiter later, the way you said earlier.

No, it wasn’t. So back to, you know, the plot of the movie. A billionaire car named Sir Miles Axelrod, played by Eddie Izzard, is promoting alternative energy by organizing a race in which all the racers will be using his new organic fuel. McQueen is not planning on being part of the race because he promised his girlfriend, Sally, that he would take some time off in spite of the fact that all of the world’s racers are going to be there, including the queen’s rival and best character in the movie, Franchesco, a newly played by award winning super actor John Turturro.

Oh, World Grand Prix competitor and one of the fastest cars in the world, Francesco Bernoulli. It is an honor, Signore Dorado, for you will see they go.

That’s pretty funny. He’s egotistical jerk. Notice that after he said the funny line, he didn’t have to say that’s funny right there to let the audience know where the laugh.

And yes, I’m fully aware that Francesco is nothing more than a clone of Chick from the first movie. But at this point, beggars can’t be choosers. So Francesco chastises McQueen publicly for not being a part of the race. Oh, God, Maida’s going to make this work somehow. I just know it.

And day and further, you go on there. Can’t talk anyway about Lightning McQueen. He’s a message, right?

Or in the whole wide world is, as you say, the best is a race car.

Why must you dance that he knows what import every now and then he prefers to slow down. Enjoy.

You are the lightning. McQueen prefers to be slow.

There is no way that I can be shocked by him anymore. So lo and behold, Mader gets on the phone with Francesco on public television to defend McQueen. And shock at all, he makes things worse to the point that McQueen has to accept being in the race to save his public image. It’ll be fine. McQueen is the best there is, and his pit crew is awesome. He’ll win this race easy as long as he does it.

You’re bringing Mater, right? What? Just let him stay in the pit, give him a hug. Said, come on, it’ll be the thrill of a lifetime for him.

Sally, you bitch. The next time you make a suggestion like that, this is you stop.

How’d you like to come and see the world with me? You mean it? Yeah, you got me into this thing. You’re coming along, Rick.

So they’re going to take me later to Tokyo, Japan. All right. Play it again. I tried. Really?

Hey, what you got here to the. How about that pistachio ice cream?

No, no wasabi. Oh, same old. Same old. What’s up with you? Delicious. A little more. It is free, right, gave a government a little more, come on, let’s go.

It’s very you’re getting scoop. There ya go. Now the scoop, ice cream.

How how can you confuse this for this? I mean, that was obviously not even refrigerated. Why do they eat to their mouths? I thought, you know, because they would eat you out of their gas tank because they consume gasoline. Right. So they they eat through their gas tank and and through their mouth. They eat regular food and. Oh, my God, why am I trying to bring logic into this?

Oh, sweet relief, well, at least it can’t get any worse.

Oh, thank you. There’s been a major ah he’s a little excited, isn’t he. Made her way. Oh, huge.

I know that that that’s oil, but technically speaking. I character just took a shit in a Pixar movie.

Yeah, there’s definitely a metaphor here somewhere later you have to get a hold of yourself, you’re making a scene, but I never go, never go take care of yourself right now.

So let’s get back to, you know, the plot. So apparently, secret agent Finnmark missile discovered that the bad guys built an empty gun that looks like a TV camera. When they shoot a car that is using the new Alino organic fuel, it makes their engine explode and they plan to use that camera gun to sabotage the race and make all an all look bad, make missile. And his partner, Holly Shift will arrive at the same location that made her the retarded tow truck. Just took a dump at and they are there to meet an American spy who has a picture of the evil mastermind behind this plot.

Now, this is a really cool plot, but I’m not going to get excited about it. You know, they’re just going to fuck it up. OK, big missile. Hey.

That voice, I’m here, it’s time for the drop.

It’s Bruce.

So just to be clear, my favorite actor, Bruce Campbell, isn’t a Pixar movie playing a character named Rod Talk Red Line.

Oh, yeah, this is more awesome than the most awesome day of my life. Yeah. All right. A couple of bad guys are on Rod’s tail.

You know what that means? It’s time for some ass kicking Bruce Campbell action.

He he got caught.

Hey, what’s so funny? Well, you know, I was just wearing a disguise. You guys are stuck looking like that.

Well, it’s OK. The picture of the bad guy is still safe because Rod cleverly attached it to the bottom of Maida’s Chassy and Bruce Campbell has gotten out of war scrapes than this.

Oh, thanks, fellas. I hear this stuff is good for you. Smile for the camera. Is that all you want? I got a whole act.

All right, Bruce, get loose, kick some ass and get the hell out of there of the full impact of the polls.

Unfortunately, there will be nothing to replace Palin any time now.

Oh, wait a minute, I know exactly what he’s doing, he’s waiting for the bad guys will think they have the upper hand.

They killed off Bruce Campbell’s character, nothing good ever comes of that.

He can only get worse from here. This cannot be him. Is he American? Look at major thing again. Extremely.

What they think that matter is Bruce Campbell, the man who had for.

Fine, I’ll play the clip.

Excuse me, do you mind not farting while I’m saving the world?

All right, this is bullshit. Allow me to illustrate this for those of you who may not understand the severity of the situation. Let’s take an actor that a lot of people like like Will Smith. Imagine that you’re watching a Will Smith movie. And 30 minutes into the movie, they kill him off and replace him with Carrot Top. If that sounds fucking awful to you, then you will finally understand how I feel. So now that they think that Maida’s the American spy. Hey, wait a minute. A guy that goes on vacation who is confused for a spy. This is the same as the man who knew too little keeping the tradition going. Just like its prequel. This movie is also on on original knock off.

Long story short, Fin and Holly try to communicate with Mater during the race to arrange a rendezvous with him so they can get the infamous picture. Unfortunately, Made are still wearing his pit crew headset. And no, I have no idea why they gave him. Of all people are working at set. I am through questioning stuff like this. The point is, all the while talking to Finn and Holly Mader gives McQueen the wrong commands and accidentally causes him to lose the race. McQueen finally gets sick of Maida’s dumb ass antics and sends him home.

Finn seizes the opportunity to recruit him to follow his first one. I can read can do go play.

Oh, another joke, yeah, keeping it classy, John Lasseter so Mader shows them the picture and the V8 with the Lucas’ electrical system and like a good night from the pitch, they can tell, by the way, if they take a look at the top right corner.

Shut up, shut up. Stop your noxious dick.

How can not tell that you’re not a secret agent? You’re helping me. Please my daughter. Well, OK. But, you know, I’m just a tow truck, right? And I’m just in the import export business.

Well, that confirms that Finnick missile is the worst secret agent ever. Johnny English is better than you.

Until I finish with this piece of lowlife. Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words Jesus is coming look busy.

Are you insane? I know how we go on the.

So they deduce from the picture that the car behind this ordeal is a lemon, which is a term used to describe crappy cars like Gremlins, Hugo’s and Pacer’s. And wait a minute.

It’s Miles Axelrod. See, look at the Green Square hood. He’s the only car in the movie that has that color and that body shape.

Come on, Finn, just look at the picture. Who am I kidding? This is the same idiot that can’t tell that the bucktooth rambling moron is not a spy.

It’s only a matter of time before he makes another poor judgment call.

Meantime, you look a little lighter on weapons.

No, you see the correct reaction to taking the same retarded took a dump in front of everybody and offering him guns and explosives should be as.

Does he think I could get a gun this time? No.

All right. Let’s get through this quickly, because I’m about to reach or sell my own guns and explosives. Finn’s brilliant plan is to send mader in the skies to infiltrate the LeMans and find out their plans. But surprise, surprise, Mader fucks it up and he gets them all caught because of their interference. The bad guys decide to make an example out of Lightning McQueen, who apparently is part of the story now, and they intend to blow him up since he is the only car brave enough to still use the organic fuel. In spite of all the accidents, our heroes and I use the term loosely are placed in a death trap inside big Bentley. Get it? Big Bentley.

Well, it’s still funnier than that, funny, right?

No, it’s not.

So Doofus Dingleberry gets out of the death trap by burning through his bonds using the spinning barrels of the Gatling guns that Ben gave him. And he goes to try and rescue McQueen from getting blown up. But I kid you not. This turns out to be all part of the bad guys plan. You see, instead of using the empty gun, they are going to use a voice controlled bomb that they attached to Maner, which means that they were counting on Mader getting away and going straight to McQueen.

Whoa, hold your horses there, Chief. This Savatage scheme is way too heavily reliant on a lot of what ifs. I mean, what would have happened if Maner hadn’t figured out a way to get out of the death trap?

How man can dream, so that clock is ticking, it’s only a matter of time before what the hell or knows martial arts bullshit.

All right, the only way to save Mader Stop the bomb is with a voice command from Axelrod. But there is no way the mayor is going to figure out that he is the mastermind behind this whole plot.

Ok, it was me. Got to be crazy. I figured it out when I realized y’all attach is ticking time bomb with workboats.

There ain’t no hole in. What is he talking about?

It was unique and all it did in Japan. You just blamed it on me.

Fine. Like. Say you on the outside.

Bomb deactivated. Have a nice day, sir Axelrod.

So he’s confident now earlier he couldn’t figure out the difference between the men’s room and the ladies room. And now he’s uncovering a mass conspiracy, catching a major terrorist and getting knighted for it.

All right, that’s it.

All right, let me show you what the first minutes.

Kids, don’t try this at home.

See, now, that’s funny right there.

These movies are confusing, condescending, catastrophic car wreck. I am going to give this movie the worst possible insult that you could give a Pixar movie. This is not a Pixar movie.

This is a DreamWorks movie where stupid, tasteless jokes take the forefront over characters and story. I know that the only reason this movie was made was as part of a condition of the deal that they made with Disney to be their lead animation studio in which in return Pixar had to make three sequels from three of their most successful movies, hence Toy Story, three Monsters University and this travesty.

But was this really the best choice? Everything else that they’ve produced had far more potential for a sequel than this mediocre knockoff.

I do like how they retired that Doc Hudson character since his voiceover actor, the great Paul Newman, passed away. But there are two other cast members who also tragically passed away and they still kept their characters around.

That’s right. Three of the cast members from the original movie Cast Away. I don’t know about you, but I would take that as a sign that maybe they shouldn’t make a sequel.

As far as I’m concerned, Mader is one of the most annoying and horrible characters ever created right up there with Jar Jar Binks, Bridel and John Leguizamo, version of Clown.

And yes, I know that there are a lot of children that love that character. But hey, at one point, children found the Teletubbies and Barney entertaining. So there you go.

This is for you parents at home. Oh, thanks, Earl.

They say that every director has at least three bad movies in him. But as far as I’m concerned, John Lasseter, this one has two and a half. So that was one busted. Thousands more to go. And he wrote and the blockbuster buster. Hey, what is this?

They’re not saying that they were there and they’re like, oh, they’re saying, listen.

Like up, down and replaced by a. And they’re like, you know, I started to think about. All right.