Solo: Star Wars movie review- by Cinemassacre

Full text transcript of Solo: Star Wars movie review

Yeah, so that was a solo a Star Wars story. I’m here with Ryan Chewbacca.

Mike, that’s pretty good.

So remember when we were talking about how, oh, yeah, there’s going to be a Star Wars movie every year, every six months or whatever, and it’s going to not be as big a deal every time a Star Wars movie comes out. Yeah, that happens. And we were also talking about, oh, one day there’s going to be a Han Solo origin story. It’s going to take away all the mystery of Han Solo.

Yeah, that happened too. So, yeah, I thought it was OK.

But you guys.

Yeah I parts of this movie I thought were fine. I like it more than wrote one, mostly because the characters in this weren’t planks of wood thrown together. They were, they were people who taught and I think got together. I mean there’s one character that ruins the movie, but mostly I thought it was just average, which is surprising because the movie had two writers, two directors who were fired and then replaced with an elderly man director who shot the most of the movie. The whole movie shot over. So the fact that it flowed together as well as it did is kind of surprising.

Yeah, that’s cool trivia, because I really didn’t know anything about the back story because I feel like we just saw Star Wars movie last December and it’s like, OK, I wasn’t really ready for this yet.

But this is this is the most expensive Star Wars movie. Is it really because because they had to reshoot all of it. Wow. Yeah.

If you have seen the original Star Wars trilogy, you know, almost every single plot point that happens in this movie is literally it’s paint by numbers. It’s Hohn said he took a shit on Tuesday in this movie. He’ll take a shit.

Yeah, totally. It’s like they start the movie off. The first thing you see is the dice. And then a few minutes later, you know, you see the invention of the name Chewey. Yeah. Where that comes from. And then a few minutes later, you know, the Millennium Falcon actually really is a lot like Force Awakens has been the same like plot points. Like every five minutes you got to bring in the.

Oh, I remember that. Yeah. I was waiting for the scar. The chin scar. I think I already has. It does. You already have it. You know, if they did the chin scar it would have been too close to Indiana Jones. Three things each of his characters needs to invent the origin of the. We’re speaking of Indiana Jones. Did you guys notice the idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark on the bar? Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know.

It’s the crystal skull, though. That’s not the same crystal. That is the acres of foot that the idol from Return Raiders is there. And it every single scene. I couldn’t stop staring at it because I have one that sits on my desk.

So I’m so used to seeing the biggest problem I have with it and was just that he looked nothing like Harrison Ford. He didn’t seem to act like I’m really either, like I just could not buy it. And it goes with everybody, like the actor plays Orlando, like he doesn’t look like Billy D. Williams, although he was you could tell he was studying Billy do Williams performance and was trying to do like the rhythm and pace of his voice. Yeah, but with Hanso, it seemed like they were kind of like nobody’s ever going to be like Harrison Ford. So maybe they were kind of like, let’s not get too close, because then it would be I actually I don’t know when they do that kind of thing.

It bothers me. When I seen Star Wars, I got to go to Star Trek when Chris Pine’s performance, he doesn’t try to mimic William Shatner. And I think that that really helps. And I think.

But then you have McCoy and like Odell is doing like this spot on MySpace.

Your dad, Jim, I have to say, I felt way more strongly about it in Star Trek. I was like, this is I hate this. Yeah. I don’t like in this movie, I was like, oh, it’s a Star Wars movie because I think it’s less serious to me.

It’s like because you’re more to start, right?

I mean, I think the previous examples, like in, you know, whatever however you feel about the prequel trilogy, I felt like the casting was like really close to what you would think like even is that you wouldn’t regret Ewan McGregor. McGregor he was like, that’s spot on. Like Alec Guinness, like younger. And, you know, it’s a lot harder to do with Harrison Ford because it’s not like that. There’s not as much there’s not as much of an age gap, you know.

I mean, I know.

And also, how do you feel about Hayden Kristen’s performance? He had the look where you could totally be like, oh, this is Luke Skywalker, his father. And I feel like with these movies, they had a good track record with casting younger versions of the characters. So when I got to this, I was like, I thought they could do a better job with making me at least just feel like it’s a younger Han Solo, but I just didn’t buy it.

I will say I prefer this to digital dating, like the Carrie Fisher face one or the or I mean, like we’re not there yet with that technology. So I’m more willing to just be like, hey, this is the guy, he’s playing Han Solo. He doesn’t look like him, but this is a solo that kind of works and a cameo.

But that will be hard to do for a whole movie. I like the main character.

I feel like Harrison Ford sells the scoundrel who finds grudging redemption so much better. And the actor I don’t even know his name does in and in this in this movie, he he looks like they sell that he’s a hero, he’s heroic, he’s good natured, he’s good hearted. They constantly sell that in every scene in the movie with with Han Solo, you don’t know he’s coming back to save Luke at the you know, it’s like, no, he wants his money. He wants to pay back job. He wants to do this. You know, he’s shooting Greedo. He’s he’s a scoundrel. He’s a smuggler who finds the goodness in his heart through three movies. Whereas in this one it’s like, oh, he’s given the co axium to the rebels. He’s be a good guy. It’s I don’t like that until now.

Has been pretty much free of all the prequel stuff.

Like he’s not in any of the TV shows, he wasn’t in any of the movies. They were going to put him in Revenge of the Sith and they decided against it. So like I was like the one character we had that only existed in, like, until now to troll. Yeah.

But it’s like he was the only one who wasn’t tainted. It’s like, well, now we got a pretty old Han Solo and all this stuff we don’t care about. Yeah. Like the stuff we already know Kesler on. All right. We already know that, already know he did that. But I will say it’s it’s entertaining. Ron Howard knows how to direct. Apparently the other guys didn’t. That sucks for them. But like he knows how to put a scene together and make it, you know, just fun and exciting, even though there’s real there’s no suspense to any scene.

I think if you’re going to see this movie, you kind of know what you’re getting into. Like it’s it’s it’s fanservice and it’s fan fiction. And it’s like, you know, if that’s what I go into expecting it, then, OK, I can. It was entertaining for like a popcorn fan fiction type of thing. Personally, it’s there’s never been a Star Wars movie since Return of the Jedi, a real one. I just I can’t buy any of these.

I think it’s funny that they, you know, wasted so much time, like linking it back to television properties that were going on in my kids who have seen in every episode of Rebels made zero connection to the two movies like to them. Everything that happened in this movie is entirely separate from rebels. Yet there is this strong connection.

It feels like a rebels plot. And by the way, rebels is the best thing that he’s done with Star Wars. Oh, better than all the new movies and everything like that show is like great, especially the season finale. Yeah, I have to check that out. Yeah. It’s actually really there’s some episodes I actually feel like Star Trek, like I’m not even like my my biggest issue with this movie and I think it’s everyone’s issue, at least online is L three three seven the robot. I don’t like what they did with Landow in this movie because he has this droid who wants to, like, liberate other droids and stuff. And then he mentions that mining colonies are terrible. And by the time you get to Empire, he runs a mining colony. He doesn’t give a shit about droids. He ignores the three of you. He has a room full of dead droids being thrown in the incinerator. So they try to show him have this like he like learns this lesson from her. He, like, loves the steroid. And then it’s clear that he doesn’t learn anything from her. He just looks like the biggest hypocrite in the galaxy now. Not really made me mad. So it’s more like a consistency issue. Yeah, not with the Droid itself. I think like I thought the Droid looked cool. Yeah, it’s a good effect. I mean, yeah, she was annoying, but it’s more like what it does the Landow, it’s like, well Landow it’s just an asshole. Now like before we thought he was an asshole because, you know, he was saving his life from the Empire. Right now he just seems like an outright dick. And I don’t agree with that at all.

If this didn’t come out of a Star Wars movie, didn’t come out this weekend or this past weekend or whatever, there would be some other generic space shooter anyway. So I’m just fine with it. I’m like, OK, that might as well make other Star Wars because like, you know, Star Trek has always been a franchise that has had, you know, mini series and many movies. And it just keeps on going. Star Wars, I think we just got so used to the fact that they were so it was so infrequent. It just became more of like a very special event. And I feel like now it’s like, OK, it doesn’t ruin anything. It’s just that it’s now like every other franchise.

I really wish I really think they should have pushed this to December. Yes. Last Jedi. I mean, I like most of that movie. Well, that movie was real divisive with fans. A lot of fans hated that movie and they still haven’t like watched the takes out of it.

And I didn’t like what I watched it a second time on on Blu ray since it came out. And now I see a lot more gripes with it, because now the second time I watch, I’m like, oh, gee, this was this wasn’t really that good.

But people are wondering, like, why this isn’t doing well, maybe not doing well for a Star Wars movie. This one not doing well. Yeah. And it’s like underperforming. It’s still going to make a ton of money, but it’s underperforming. And I think it’s just because, like a lot of people, like we’re uneasy with Last Jedi, I feel like I just saw Last Jedi.

Exactly. I feel like because with less than a year, one was between The Force Awakens. So people are like, all right, when the last was it, they were every December and then they used to be Star Wars movies.

Used to be in May. Yeah. Back in.

You know, I think they want to because this is like one of the anniversaries or something. They wanted to reach that. But I may the force be with you. Yeah, well, it wasn’t even on the. Well, I think they should. They should have waited till December, so they spent so much money on it. So this is the 10th Star Wars movie. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Think about that Clone Wars movie.

Well, no, because after that, the six original. Oh, right. There’s rogue one. There’s this and the two in the third trailer. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah. What about the holiday special.

Oh well what about droids when I talk. Can I talk about the holiday special for a second. Sure.

When they were like, Chewey, what are you going to do when you get your money? And they said he wants to go back to his family and I’m just like, is he going to visit his kid and his wife? Because if you watch the holiday special than all the other Star Wars show, he’s the biggest deadbeat dad in the world.

So whatever. So is that his family? I guess it’s just other rookies, like in the tribe or whatnot. But I’m just like, are we going to see Lumpy and Marla and and she and I’m asking you because you seem like you would now I do you a lot of people. I always look back is the best you cast in the movie. It was, yes. But you have to do that. What is the big fucking deal about this case? Why does it have to come up in, like, every movie they make?

You know, what I think it is was from the Christopher Walken, the SNL thing when he’s like auditioning is, you know, Han Solo. Yeah. Yeah. That was the first time I ever heard anybody talk about that Kessell run.

She’s fast enough for you, old man. And now it’s like every everything question is, why the hell would anybody want to go to Cassol? It’s a freaking hole in the ground. Like, yeah, it’s not like I mean, it does look as shitty as you would imagine. We’ve always talked about it being a shithole. So I email that I guess the spice must flow franchise. Different franchise story. Right. Do you want to explain parsecs to people? OK, so we’re not quadroons.

So so parsecs are a measure of distance. It’s like it’s a big measure of distance, like more than a light year measure of distance. OK, so when you’re looking at like distances between galaxies, you’re looking at massive distances that no human could ever travel. A parsec is a unit of measurement. So when he says he’s doing the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs, which Chewbacca would disagree on that number, if you watch the movie, he’s saying that he did it in a short amount of distance.

The reason why it is the Kessel run, just a thing people do or like.

What is this? It’s like the you know what I think the Kessel run is? Because I’m thinking when Star Wars was made, a lot of people were talking about the Cannonball Run. Yeah, OK. You know, which is a race from Red Ball parking garage in Manhattan to the Portofino Hotel in Los Angeles. That’s a good analogy. Yeah. You know, so if you could somehow get from the red ball parking garage to the Portofino in in a shorter route, you would get there in a shorter time. No. Right. So I guess people that would make it a race, but it’s a race of shrinking distance, not a race of shrinking time.

And basically, they messed up the definition of Parsec in the original Star Wars because it was made by people who didn’t really care about the movie was going of.

How were they not saying it, as, you know, like a unit of distance in the first movie?

Because the way because once you get if you can make the distance shorter, you could jump to hyperspace. And being in hyperspace makes the the speed irrelevant. Racing because he said in under it’s the way he phrased it. Is that what you’re saying. Yeah. So yeah.

Like if he said he did it, it’s in if you would have phrased it differently he could have meant it as like is that what you’re doing.

It’s really free, basically just very nerdy. And the way they thought they needed to spend millions and millions of dollars justifying destroying the and then they like tried to like explain how they why there’s like seven people in the entire world who care what a pass I get.

I never like like not even most astronomers care. It’s really here.

But I was in the grocery store and the you know, the pickup brand called solo. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look at it now.

Yeah. It’s almost solely solo cups. Solo solo cups. That’s like really you know what I’m for that that’s really important. That’s great branding because, you know, I think I swear, like I almost was like thinking of that.

I was like, oh yeah, let me get some solo cups and things like Hanso. And then I look at it and it’s like, so I was actually on it began a branding. Right, right.

In the very beginning of the movie. The first like thing pretty much you see is he throws the dice on there in the original Star Wars trilogy. I barely remember those days. They’re only in a new hope and you can barely see them because they never do any closer.

They brought them back into last Jedi and now they’re the first shot of this. Is that fucking merchandising or what? Everybody get your Han Solo.

So are they Han Solo Dyce, the solo equivalent of the Borg?

That’s what I want to know. In that done like everybody’s car, your 95 Toyota.

I think that’s what they want. They want. But I wonder if that’s what it is, messing with our minds. Guys, can I get into a spoiler territory here?

Ok, let’s see. Can we go on right before we go on to sports? One little thing about the first act. Did anybody was anybody bothered or just even slightly bothered that it was very murky?

Yeah, yeah. I’ve seen this in two theaters, the first theater. They left the lights on too long and I thought maybe that was it. But then seemed in this the whole movie looks really dark and fuzzy.

Well, in the beginning, even though it did get into, you know, then they go to other territories, other planets, and it’s brighter. But it was just like there’s not much contrast. It’s is very flat. And it’s the way they’re shooting all these movies. It just seems like they’re just afraid to give it some brightness. Give it some color. Yeah, yeah. I think we should do like, I don’t know, maybe sometime. A top ten worst movies of the 2010s to watch in broad daylight on it on a TV and never watch it on a TV where like I was watching War for the Planet of the Apes.

Great movie, by the way. But it’s so dark that, you know, there’s like a glare that hits my TV. Yeah, you can’t watch movies like at a certain time of day, you can’t be done. You won’t see anything.

I have a major nerdy complaint about this movie.

This movie makes the John Williams Imperial March Cannes into the universe, because when the Imperials are recruiting, they have like the audio of the Imperial March playing in the background. So that’s like the national anthem of the Empire. Something now is the thing about that.

The original directors did the 21 Jump Street movies, the new ones. And there are more like comedic. And I think this was going to be more of like a straight up comedy, really. And I think stuff like that would have played better. But it’s no longer a straight up comedy. So stuff like that is just weird and takes you out of the movie like a spoof of Spaceballs. Sort of, yeah. But just full circle. So you have the one spoiler thing. OK, so we’re getting the spoilers now. Spoiler. I want to ask two sides here as people who don’t know the current expanding universe, did you give a shit that Darth Maul was in this movie? Now, I don’t like Darth Mom. Was it confusing? I just I don’t care.

Ok, you know, I mean, I didn’t really feel strongly, but I was kind of glad just to see them. I don’t know, because when I saw Darth Maul first watching Phantom Menace, I was disappointed that he wasn’t in the movie more. And I was finally gave you a little more of him. And I feel like even though there’s no explanation as to what happened, I mean I mean, you mentioned that you think the legs were robotic, but I mean, he’s sitting in like a chair on like a hologram things. But I can’t really tell. But anyway, I liked how they aged him up. And, I mean, I was cool with it.

The one thing I did think about the Darth Maul part was like it was super weird for me to see a movie that has Han Solo entry, Tribeca and Earthman.

You know what?

I was just thinking about how weird it is to think about how different and tone these movies are to Phantom Menace. Think about all the other stuff that happens and Phantom Menace, and then think about this movie. How are these two things? How do they exist in the same world? I was just saying like like like Toy Story exists in the same world as Forrest Gump.

Like I as somebody who is familiar with Tom Hanks, that’s the only connection I had to think of something quick. There’s a snake in my boot.

As someone who knows the expression, as somebody who knows the expanded universe, I thought the Darth Mall in the movie was really dumb. I think there needed to be a bigger bed to show how Cairo was, like, advancing in the organization and the comment about how, you know, where she says you don’t win, you just last longer, all of that. So there had to be a big bad there had to be an overlord.

But I don’t like that Han Solo story is so tied to the main like rebellion and things. I like the idea that he came from nowhere and then got involved later.

That bothered me too. Yeah. So I hated more. Yeah, I really like more in the show. They somehow made them interesting. But where this is in the timeline, it’s just confusing. It’s like, all right, so he made another crime organization. I guess he loses it again. Who gives a shit?

I mean they’re making movies in between other movies. It’s like it’s it’s like as certain point. It’s like where is this going to. Well, I already know the answer. It’s not going to stop.

It’s the biggest problem with the characterization of Han Solo comes down to one scene when he’s about to make the Kessel run, where he’s about to break off into the maelstrom.

And he says, I’ve got a good feeling about like, why do you have to do like, are we going to?

Well, that’s how I feel about so many things. Like why do why do they happen? Well, just don’t go there. I can sort of the one thing I was thinking of.

Not not buying that it’s the same Hanzo, so I kept trying to talk myself in like, OK, well, I understand characters change, like he’s he’s not as dismissive as he is in the I don’t know what to call the older the older movies, but the the original the next the next thing that happened, I like I can believe the character goes from point A to point B and that he he changes like characters change, but it’s still like he’s not really like a character that you that I really envisioned a whole movie about because he’s too like much of them, especially at this point in his life where he’s supposed to be selfish.

Yeah, he’s supposed to be a very selfish character. He wasn’t meant to be originally, but now they have to make a movie every year.

Yeah. So he’s going to be a lot of things do by the time you’re. So that’s why you feel that way.

50 things, even even Indiana Jones, they say on the Big Bang Theory that the character actually has nothing to do with the story. Like if you took Indiana Jones out of Raiders of the Lost Ark, every plot point would still happen. Exactly the same. Like the Nazis would find the ark and like everything, or they wouldn’t really find a clue of him. They explained it on the show, but they explained that he wouldn’t he actually doesn’t even need to be there. So console’s and Indiana Jones. But I think both of his major characters, they both kind of have that same appeal where they don’t really they’re kind of like these characters that just sort of reluctantly kind of go along with this whole thing. And they kind of just I don’t know, you know. You know what I mean.

Yeah. Yeah. I think they intentionally casted the Chira character to have a resemblance to Carrie Fisher, like the same color hair he has.

So so now it’s established that on as a type of basically I want to go back to what James just said.

You just said Indiana Jones reluctantly goes along with things. I agree with that. With Han Solo. Yeah, but Indiana Jones specifically, like, goes on these quests to, like, save the day.

Kind of. Yeah, but he’s like after some, like, last crusade, he just wants to find his father like he doesn’t care about, though he never cares about what the thing is. It’s like he doesn’t care about that. There’s like the Holy Grail. He just wants to get this guy. He’s not going after the artifacts.

I think the second best example, he just winds up in India and they ask him for help. And he’s like, well, I guess what, I’m here.

Yeah, exactly what happened.

I had one question for James. How do you feel that you probably influenced a joke in this movie? I never I wouldn’t have thought I did.

But I do see I don’t see I don’t see how that because the Turkish side is exactly what they did.

But yes, the Turkish side, everyone hates that game. There’s no reason to like. Well, explain the scene again, like what happened. So this is really foreseen. That amounts to nothing where the girl, like, does karate real quick and the robots like, what’s that? And she goes, Terris, Cassie, I learned it and it amounts. She never fights hand-to-hand before or after this. So it’s real stupid unless a very popular Internet show mentioned terrorist, because I when this movie was being made.

Because you’re saying that they are probably shooting this or they’re finishing it up, I guess. Right. When that episode came out is that I think it’s my theory.

There’s no way to prove it. I guess anything’s possible. So there’s still rookies there. Look, he’s there.

I mean, they called turtles three turtles in time on the Blu ray after I mentioned it, it you know, so it’s possible the movie had no subtitle at all.

While today, whenever I bring up the film, often people insist that there was a subtitle, Turtles and Time. But to clear that up once and for all Turtles and Time was the name of the video game and it had nothing to do with that awful movie.

Well, they came out with Season Ten of the Turtles nine right after we did. Yeah, that that chronologically confused about turtles. I think that was the first time I ever felt like, oh, wait, I asked for something.

Then you gave it like a couple of oh, OK, here you go. I was like, you know, thanks everyone. My favorite one is like these like what are they going to call it? John Rambo. Oh, sorry about that one. That’s all around. So what are they going to call the next Rambo movie, by the way? Because that’s coming out. Sylvester Stallone is at his computer right now. I’m waiting. Give him the title with Rocky five. I should have broke your thumb. Oh, yeah. I meant what I say. Oh, no, no.

Actually, you know, I really, really have all just Rambo five.

I know. So we’re going to work out if it’s if it’s called Rambo five. We got to do a follow up based on what I’m saying is James made a horrible game.

Cannon. Thanks, James.

Ok, there’s a bunch of nerdy stuff they did just to, like, make the fake licensors happy. I guess it’s they mentioned that the Millennium Falcon is a white thirteen hundred freighter. You know, they mentioned. It was manufactured by Corellian Engineering Corp. We also now know that consulars father was a line worker at Corellian Engineering Corporation.

So there is a version of this where Han Solo’s father actually manufactures the Millennium Falcon, that his son then flies later. And if you’re looking for a new movie to come out with, we’ll do the Hansel and Father prequel.

They’re probably working on the script right now and the seeds.

But I want to see the the Max Riverbend movie. You know, the theory about Jar Jar Binks being the Sith. They make that into an actual movie that I would be seeing.

I mean, I don’t know how far I would go with this. I think it’s like, OK, maybe if you did, like a Yoda back story, I’d be like, all right. Well, I guess I have to see what they’re doing.

I guess for 800 years of story, you can tell with that movie just because he’s been alive for so long. Because I’m starting to think like I’m just like, where’s my jumping off point with this? Like, am I going to see them all? Or it’s like, where do I draw the line? Well, the next one that’s ruined must be drawn here. Like the next one that’s rumored is Boba Fett, which I could care less about, I mean. Hmm.

Come on, Fett Bathily was a critical character, the original trilogy.

He was on screen for 97 and he got his ass kicked. I want a movie about the guy that they cut out from in the special edition. Who’s in the cantina? The werewolf dude. Oh, yeah. They replaced them. They replaced them. Make a whole movie about that. Yeah. I want to see the cut footage of the of in-sync in the background of episode two.

Where’s the Bigs in Weg Academy movie.

And they leave that behind Anakin Skywalker as a straight up baby episode zero. I just want to see him as taking care of Anakin.

Yeah. So I thought it was OK. It’s OK. Yeah. Yeah, it’s fine. I mean, you could just. It wasn’t I had fun. I’m never going to watch it again. Oh I enjoy, I enjoy watching these and doing videos for sure. Yeah. Even if the movie isn’t so great I enjoy doing these. Just fast forward through all the three scenes or else it’ll make you ask the projectionist.

Yeah. So I guess we’ll be seeing episode nine next if there’s anything left to do in those movies, because eight pretty much just like finished everything up. I don’t really know what you guys again. Huh. Did I kick you out a couple of weeks ago for Deadpool.

That was those to. Yeah. They make you dress like that. No, I like Star Wars. Oh, good for you in that Star Wars and Star Wars. Did you guys like this one? We’ll watch again. No, the movie’s called solo. You only watch it once. That’s solo one time.

One time that he did there was easier to get them out this time than last time.

And don’t forget that one lost and found God save the Anthony way and save the Anthony Wayne.

And I’ll bet it’s going to stop throwing them out and they could just start putting me in videos. I’m charming as fuck.

You left your gear again. I’m getting a whole collection.