The Expendables 3 Review- by Jeremy Jahns

Full-text transcript of The Expendables review:

[00:00:01] The kick ass over the Hill Sausage Fest franchise returns for a third round. The Expendables three brought to you by reruns of The Rockford Files, so The Expendables three, all those old news that you remember from the last couple of movies, return kind of. And they’re here for more kick ass read more one liners, throwbacks to their old work that they’ve actually done as actors. Kind of seriously, I keep saying kind of because it’s kind of like that ultimately in the beginning of this movie, kick ass action, seeing, you know, it establishes what the movie’s going to be, kind of Stallone tells his entire crew to go fuck themselves and he goes and looks for a younger crew. Yeah. The movie that is built on the gimmick premise that a bunch of old guys are going to kick ass and they’re going to come together and fight together like we all wanted them to in the 80s is completely wiped out, completely gone, washed away. Now we have a bunch of young dudes and a chick, a girl in The Expendables and all of it’s rated PG 13, watered down glori. Funny things in terms of what bothered me about this movie, the rated PG 13 thing didn’t really bother me that much. Yeah, there were a couple of things where I was like, I can go for a blood splat right there. An artery getting sliced like artery. Nope. Stab him in the back, of course, because the blood’s hidden, you won’t see the blood. I got you a PG 13, but for the most part I still had a lot of guns being fired, bullets flying and dudes dropping.

[00:01:14] What bothered me about this movie is that the second third of the movie looked that whole one third of the entire movie is boring as shit. He goes to find these young guys that just goes against the entire premise of The Expendables is conceptually that stupid. The entire thing that keeps The Expendables afloat is the gimmick that it’s a bunch of old guys kicking ass. It’s the thing you replace the old guys with young guys. Now you just have a great big action movie that’s like other great B action movies that aren’t that good. One of the guys is computer guy. I’d be OK with them bringing him in on it. Like I feel like, oh, we need one young mind among all of us old dudes. OK, bring that one computer, dude. That’ll be fine. He would bring a digital element to that whole analog guns blazing mindset. The rest of it, man, why did they do it at the end of this movie has another exciting action. You have to leave logic at the door. Helicopters don’t move like that. People don’t live through that. And people can’t physically do that. I mean, it’s The Expendables. I’m not going into this for logic. I’m not even going into this movie for believable characters. I want a few things out of this movie pool action, old bad asses and references to their old movies. You’re gonna get a couple of those a couple of times in the movie.

[00:02:16] I’ve got to talk about Antonio Banderas. He’s in this movie. Holy shit. What does he play? I, honest to God, think that Antonio Banderas is in this movie because Rowan Atkinson didn’t want to be the kind who plays Antonio Banderas on a rock star amount of cocaine. What a waste. If he’s like the most annoying thing in the movie, I swear to you, he is like Stewie and Family Guy where he is like, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mama, Mom, Mom, mom. A little background on Antonio Banderas has played this bad ass Mexican gunslinger, this pistolero, Umbro in Desperado. That would make sense. If you really want to tone it back and calm him down and have him take a back seat. Cool. You can make him a sniper. Whatever he was in this movie, don’t do that. The movie’s not without merit, though. It had some fun action in the movie. And Mel Gibson was actually really good as the villain. Mel Gibson looked like he had fun as the villain in this movie, about as much fun as Van Damme looked like he was having in The Expendables two. Mel Gibson’s on screen. You have so many bad, shitty actors in this movie. Mel Gibson comes on screen. You’re like, oh, all right. So that’s actor. I’m not saying everyone in this movie is bad. I’m saying there are a lot that are. That’s right. This movie did not lie. When they say this movie is The Expendables, that’s exactly what they mean. A lot of these characters completely expendable.

[00:03:28] The poster shows you all these people. Yeah. Spoiler alert. It’s lying to you. Not all these people are going to kick ass in this movie if you want to get excited about the fact that there’s like a shit ton of characters in this movie and all these people are going to kick ass. No, that’s pretty much is. The Expendables three has a couple of cool action scenes, and Mel Gibson was good as the villain, but they try to shoehorn so many people into this movie that don’t need to be in this movie. I’m like, what credentials do they have to be nostalgic at this point? Is action stars nothing whatsoever. A lot of the acting was bad. So in the end, The Expendables three. Yeah. You’re not going to remember in T minus one day already forgot. The Expendables was a fun concept while it lasted. I guess so. The Expendables movies. Have you seen them. What’s your favorite to worst Expendables movie. Whatever they are, comment below. Let me know. And I can’t pay for my Latin reviews. Still in full effect. All the money that that video receives from all the views from you guys, that all goes to the eighty eight, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America in honor of Robin Williams, because it still sucks and I still think about it. And I just don’t like the fact he’s gone. And as always, if you like what you’ve seen here and you want to see more, click right here to see more.