Pan movie review- a critique of the 2015 film by Jeremy Jahns

Full-text transcript of the Pan movie review:

[00:00:01] I find it funny that no one really gave a shit to watch this movie this last weekend, so since I’m getting you this review late, I’m going to tell you some spoiler ish things that I wouldn’t really tell you in the actual review. If I got it up early, I made more than an abysmal opening. Seriously, this movie made too much, though. I know what it made. It made shit and it made more than it should have. Pan, so Pan is the telling of the origin story of Peter Pan, kind of, you know, it’s a fresh new take. It’s darker. It’s pretty much Disney’s answer to Finn Forestier. It’s a darker, more boring telling of an origin story of characters are familiar with it. You should be having fun with it. You just hate the entire time. Peter Pan is in an orphanage. Livestock’s a bunch of pirates. Take a bunch of kids there and they take them to Neverland, where Blackbeard, played by Hugh Jackman, has a bunch of slave labor and they’re mining for pixie dust. And halfway through this movie, I knew there was a problem because we were halfway through, we were still in this stupid mine and it’s never land. This is a land literally of imagination. It’s the land of dreams. Anything is possible. So for the first half of this movie, you’re in this boring ass brown mine. And I was like, all right, when we get off the second red blood diamond set, maybe it’ll get better.

[00:01:06] It never really does. I just had to roll my eyes at the fact that in this movie, Peter Pan has three days to learn how to fly. Holy shit. That’s the plot. A hook you’re not pulling from a superior Peter Pan movie and you’re just doing it worse. And he meets James Hook along the way. In the mind of this dude, this dude, I don’t know what cartoon this guy was doing, but this guy, he always talks like out of the corner of his hat is always like James James. I was like, what version of American? What is that? I’ll tell you what it is. It’s what other countries think. Americans talk like, I’m here, guys. We don’t all sound like that. In fact, the majority of us don’t. You just always see Americans who look and talk and act like look in this movie on the news because they’re always talking about what the UFO looked like or they’re just giving Kim Davis high fives. James James, I don’t know what he’s channeling. I got nothing for you. And the origin story of Peter Pan Hook being friends would have been cool if there was some inkling of hook in this character, but there just wasn’t. Rooney Mara was in this movie as Tigerlily, I guess. All right. Hey, don’t flood my comment section with they whitewash Tigerlily.

[00:02:05] Get it? That is the palest woman ever granted. I love Bill Chicks. So awesome. Good job. Rooney Mara Tigerlily. I don’t know about that. Would have been fine if she totally crushed thyroid. Oh, she was really good in the movie, but I could have been anybody. And of course I have to make Peter Pan some Messias. I’m like, Jesus Pan. We’re it’s this prophecy where this kid’s going to come out of nowhere who can fly and he’s going to take out Blackbeard, which is the easiest plot device to do in the movie. And it just I hate it when they do it with characters who were pre established characters that we know from our childhood and we love. And they’re like, hey, we’ll just make it a prophecy. And that’s why he’s that. No, because it creates a rift and now divides you from the character. Peter Pan was cool because kids wanted to be Peter Pan. They didn’t want to grow up, but now he’s. No, he’s pan Jesus. All right. Well, now I can’t be like him because we’re not messiahs. I hated that they did it with Darth Vader. I’m not super attached to the character of Peter Pan. I just hate that they do that movie. Stop it. Make him a character. Don’t really use Prothese. It’s just easier this way. But still you’re thinking, all right, maybe it’ll show Peter Pan and hook me friends and then who’s going to screw him over? And that’s how they become enemies, going to lose his hand to the crocodile.

[00:03:08] None of that shit happens. This movie ends with Hook being friends with Peter Pan, and he kind of has this romance with Tigerlily. That’s bullshit that you don’t buy. Still has his hand, is it? They just go on in their adventures like, all right, good. Stryder, actually, until morning. And I was like, oh, they’re doing that thing where there’s no sequel or a trilogy totally going to happen because in the end, Pince sucked. It was terrible. The character sucked, the premise sucked. It’s not for kids. It’s not for adults. I would say maybe it’s for kids. If at the beginning kids were getting kicked off a plank and falling down a cliff to their death, it’s too violent for kids, too boring for adults. What’s this movie? I’ll tell you what it is. Pann is dog shit. I guess this is just another imagining that didn’t pan out. Yeah. So, Sopan, have you seen it? No, you didn’t. No one saw this movie. All right, so Hook. Have you seen it? What did you think about it? Whatever you thought, a hook comment below. Let me know. And as always, if you like what you’ve seen here and you want to see more, click right here to see more.