The Expendables actors- a critique by Decker Shado

Full-text transcript of The Expendables review:

[00:00:02] Hello, world Web site of the personality, the best hair. And much like his career.

[00:00:07] Yes. And soon. Yes, dear. Toward.

[00:00:15] It’s still going strong, even though the men’s getting up there in years. In fact, a lot of the greats of the action genre are. But you know what the great thing is about action movies. Arthritis doesn’t exist unless the plot says so. As such, in 2010, Stallone was able to help put together a new film starring a bunch of action stars like Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li and of course, himself, Betty, seems to be to recreate the feel of classic 80s and 90s action films several decades later. And what better way to do that than with the stars themselves? Think of it kind of like Smash Brothers, except with more blood, guts and explosions. The premise is that Stallone and fellow badasses are part of a mercenary group called The Expendables, a group that has been around quite a while considering half its members are asking about retirement benefits. They got caught up in a job that proved to be more complicated than it seems, leading to a kick ass adventure with guns, cars, planes and explosions, you know, an action movie. Anyway, let’s take a look at The Expendables and see if Stallone still holds up today or if his teeth flying out mid-flight. Take us out of the moment. The film opens by introducing the stars by not introducing them under the cover of night with an ominous poem. But. But I could be forgiven if we find out they don’t have the ability to transform into flaming skeletons at will, this transition’s ridiculously far away. But still at night in Somalia, where a band of pirates are holding hostages for ransom.

[00:01:52] We are dead, man. The. Trevor. We wanted money

[00:02:02] Because we’re broke, but we kidnapped Americans

[00:02:05] And we’ve had to feed them for three months to any idea how much these people eats?

[00:02:17] Why are we suddenly watching a Predator movie? No, it’s just the fact that Hollywood forgot how the fuck lasers work, no matter they talk over the exchange. I’m watching at three

[00:02:28] To five million dollar. And I was just about to give it to you because

[00:02:35] This one bring us to the big introduction of our group of protagonists, including Stallone as Barney Ross, Jason Statham as Lee Christmas and Jet Li as Yin Yang. And no, that’s not the cheesiest name of this movie, not by a long shot. Gunther Jensen, played by Dolph Lundgren, is a bit on the crazy side and wants to introduce some new negotiating tactics. With CGI blood low quality from Ramia Borderlands, or maybe that’s just because I’ve been playing so much Borderlands and nobody, this upgrades Gunar to my favorite character for now as he kicks off the first shootout and gives me no regrets for that Predator reference. If anything, it was prophetic. We also see they have with them Terry Crews as hail Caesar told the ying yang wasn’t the worst and Randy Couture as tollroad. Seriously. Anyway, the heart of the conflict of the scene is actually a discussion about physics and relativity.

[00:03:27] You should take the two

[00:03:28] On the right number. Do you think festivals like.

[00:03:33] I get original bullets, faster blades.

[00:03:38] Yeah, the bad guys always seem to forget to shoot when the hero has a main weapon.

[00:03:49] Call that a tie.

[00:03:50] Come on, keep it stolen if you want a proper scientific study, we’re going to have to repeat this experiment at least a few thousand times. No time for that, though. That’s going to decide to show the audience he’s not just the hot headed one, he’s fucking psychopathic. This means, despite suffering no official casualties, our group of mercenaries are still down one member as they must let him go. Well, how civilized were you expecting it to be, not

[00:04:20] Polite enough to let him go. How you doing, buddy? Pretty good.

[00:04:27] Never mind talking it over, going to calms down and let’s gently go. And the group flies him back home before kicking him out of that club. Not that things are going so great for the other guys, such as Christmas, who returns to his girlfriend’s home to meet up with her and her boyfriend.

[00:04:43] Who’s he?

[00:04:46] He’s a friend. To be fair, he was gone over a month. Life goes on. You know, naturally, he’s very upset that someone was actually able to balance work and a relationship with this woman. And he escapes into the night over to The Expendables HQ Tattoo Parlor, Garage Bar Place, which used to be run by Mickey Rourke playing tool merch from the group who has already retired from the adventuring life.

[00:05:09] Well, I got three pieces of work to a walk in the park.

[00:05:15] One day I back considering the cameras, we should probably go for the latter, give the audience the money to, you know, to get the job stolen, heads off to meet the contact in a church by the name of.

[00:05:27] I would just call me Mr. Church, Bruce fucking Willis.

[00:05:33] It’s just a short cameo appearance, but holy fuck, who the hell else is going to drop in? I can’t I can’t I just I just can’t.

[00:05:47] You guys aren’t going to suck each other’s dicks, I.

[00:05:51] Creepy stuff messing with my mouth. That was the movie. Well, this explains the plot, along with Schwarzenegger butting in to show his worldly knowledge that there’s an island nation in the Gulf which has been overthrown by General Garside. As Mr. Churchill’s superiors are interested in resources that the small army is keeping them from attaining, they would like to hire some mercenaries to go in and remove this small, well-armed problem

[00:06:15] Needed to do this job. How much? Well, like I said,

[00:06:19] I don’t have time to get involved with your silly adventures. I’m still a guy in California right now. Now that Schwarzenegger is done upstaging the fuck out of the entire cast, so Long says he’s going to have to recon the area before he’ll agree to take the job. Thus, after telling Gunner he’s no longer welcome again, Stallone goes over the plan of action with the crew.

[00:06:39] Me and Chris was going to head down to Bolinas, got the island to see if we should take the job, how much higher pay. I need more money for my family. What fucking family you talking about?

[00:06:48] A minute. Forty seven years old in this movie. I mean, even if he never got married, he’s still probably has a few kids kicking around taking their private seaplane. And Stallone and Stethem have plenty of time to go over his relationship troubles, which aren’t all that important compared to their arrival at the island nation of Illana and the reveal of the fact that they had a stowaway

[00:07:07] Gunner

[00:07:08] Who is seeking revenge for being laid off from his job. Job market is tough, even for hired guns. Before long, the two guys witness the local army shaking down the marketplace, being led around by motherfucking stone cold Steve Austin and the big baddie of this movie, Eric Roberts, who plays James Monroe and seems very out of place being a wealthy American, calling the shots in this island nation and actually on the ground to do it. I mean, leaving this statement alone, go to a bar to meet up with their contact, who turns out to be. One of those bodies that are trapped in slow motion wherever they go, sundra played by Gizelle. Eita, if I pronounced that right, I’m Sandra.

[00:07:55] What’s your name? Name’s Budha.

[00:07:57] Best been doing this for how long now, she explains the back story of the crisis in this nation. But once upon a time, everything was beautiful. Kids played in the streets and it rained tequila until the evil American scheme was that dark magic of American money which corrupted the government and turned it against its own people.

[00:08:19] So how close do you get to the palace? The palace, white sugar.

[00:08:26] You ever heard of postcards? But what is the American once white cocaine, of course. And he’s very upset that General Garza, played by David Zayas, hasn’t worked those people hard enough to produce the crops he expected

[00:08:39] Sometimes and does not want him on the show

[00:08:44] That I did kind of skip over a scene earlier where he shoots a restrained, an unarmed man in the back at it. Seriously. There hasn’t been a second this man has been on camera that he is not establishing that he is a Saturday morning cartoon villain for the show. Anyway, they work on reaching the palace with Christmas, getting out a little early because of some differences in opinion about his relationship problems.

[00:09:04] She wasn’t your type.

[00:09:09] Ah, you know, maybe I like girls who have sex with other men, I just don’t like having to deal with the men. When Stallone and Sandra reach their destination, he pretty much lays it out that this country is fucked and a half. And who cares if I getting five million dollars? This shit ain’t worth it.

[00:09:23] I leave. Just leave,

[00:09:26] Because this island full of poverty stricken people can all buy airplane tickets and fly away from the dictator who won’t let them leave. Look out, though. The local goons have arrived and via the subtitles we learn that Sandra is actually General Garza’s daughter. Despite that, they don’t have any qualms killing the fuck out of both of them right here. Unfortunately for them, it’s Christmas time. While a lot of the action on the scene is edited, upclose, shaky and a bit Janki, there’s still some damage choreography at work.

[00:10:02] I got a callback.

[00:10:04] You’re welcome. So, OK, Jason, the blood of CGI. Anyway, this action scene isn’t over yet, though, as the men must escape back to the dock while the army patrol is hot on their tail. I think the very close camera angles make it kind of hard to tell what is they make it to the airplane. But Sandra knows she’s supposed to be the damsel in this movie and stays behind. No, but we still get to watch the men escape their seaplane, then come back around to fucking kill everyone on the dock except the important characters. You know, the flames should have followed the gas trail into the air, I mean, flying the airplane, they sort of outran it. But it’s interesting that the fire just. Stops, obviously, having dodged the explosion himself, Monroe is pissed and has already figured out that the general’s daughter must be the loose end that’s brought the attention of gun wielding maniacs to their little island project and she must be dealt with. Now, how could he have known that they were hired to come down here? Nice bird. Oh, I guess that does explain that yet another drugged up ex expendable decides to move on in life by selling out his old colleagues to the bad guys. In this movie back at Tool’s garage, however, Stallone has figured out that their mission is a lot more convoluted than they originally thought. Mr. Church must have been part of the CIA, which means that Gus is just a means to get to Monroe. Being American and rich, he must be ex CIA turning on the agency for the sweet, sweet drug money. But there’s another twist

[00:11:41] And they’re back in business taken out. Nobody’s going to miss us. It’s still five million. We’d never live to spend it. I’m telling church the deal’s off.

[00:11:51] Turns out the CIA are assholes. I think they they never actually show the guys in the CIA doing anything to suggest that they would actually do this. But still, I don’t think that they’d kill him for completing the job. So that’s good enough. So they don’t go on that grand adventure. Don’t worry about that, meaning that there’s no more action scenes, though. SDM returns to find his ex-girlfriend has been beaten. So your options are to call the police, call an ambulance, or I guess you could. Beat the ever loving fuck out of him and his friends on the basketball court, you know what I do for a living? I kick the shit out of basketball players. Good tool, however, seems to be a tad disappointed that the Calvary said fuck it and hauled ass. But we all know that this feeling can only be expressed by a long reminiscing monologue.

[00:12:45] You remember that time we was up in Bosnia? We took down the Serb bad boys. All our guys would get chopped up all around us and blood everywhere

[00:12:57] To Stallone you’re talking to going to have to be a little more specific. The gist of it is a tool saw a woman about to commit suicide and just thought, not my problem. Strangely enough, she then committed suicide and still feels that with her his own humanity died as well, which would mean that he still had it when he decided fuck it, and that her dying and him losing it now makes him feel like that was a bad joke. So I think humanity is overrated. But hey, it’s not like Sandra has been captured, beaten and tortured. No, no, that was just a chauffeur, chiropractor, spa treatment, that’s all the rage in San Francisco. However, the general does not approve of this as they have forgotten their complimentary meal. So it’s off to the iron bars hotel room for her. You wanted

[00:13:56] Answers? No, like that.

[00:13:58] She’s not fucking psychic. And is it really this hard to figure out that the Americans want you dead? Really? Nevertheless, Sloan decides that even though he’s already turned down the job and won’t be getting paid for this, he’s going back because there’s that woman thing. And despite her having a chance to escape, she didn’t. There’s motivation enough for him to risk his life going up against a small army in Central America.

[00:14:21] Instead of going, OK, I’m going to want to get the.

[00:14:26] Just drive, but his friends cannot watch him risk his life alone without going to risk their own lives as well, because they know what makes an entertaining movie. Unfortunately, the travel conditions today are less than optimal. It still beats taking the bus, naturally, this erupts into a car chase. I think this is the scene where the action direction hurts the most. In my opinion, everything is shot so close in and shaky, it’s really fucking hard to even figure out what in the hell is going on in the first place. But it seems that Gunner has returned to the states to take The Expendables down a job, jobs, a job. I suppose the chase takes them all the way into a factory where the comparatively small jet li squares off in melee combat with six foot, five inch. Dolph Lundgren made plans to defeat him with the power of support beams. The. And works for a little while until a gunner gets the upper hand and is about to kill Yin Yang. What were you aiming at, gently? I use a smaller target, so I can’t really hold this against you, or rather he wasn’t trying to kill Gunner, just restrain him with bullets. As his wounds look fatal, Stallone convinces him to do one last good deed and give them information, which

[00:16:00] Is the girl still alive.

[00:16:02] Shouldn’t the first part be obvious? And considering his rank, how the hell is he supposed to have any information on the second because of secret silent whisper seen that’s enough to get the entire fucking force on the plane heading for war and showing off their various toys.

[00:16:17] Anything that gets in mommy’s way becomes instant red sausage

[00:16:22] Plus Caesar as a fucking 812 12 automatic 12 gauge shotgun with frag rounds or as Borderlands would put it. Holy crap. It shoots rockets. Not that things are going super smooth back on the island as Monroe finds that his puppet government isn’t quite following suit with the whole roll over. And let me fuck you in the ass approach he’s been working with you

[00:16:41] Do not control me.

[00:16:45] This is the part where we learn that Monroe is a reptilian and in fact does psychically control his mind.

[00:16:52] Bring her now. I will kill you.

[00:16:56] Go get her. Or we could just ignore all the money and posturing about power and have them buckle instantly. While this is going on, our heroes are going through the palace room by room, setting the entire place with explosives. Unfortunately for the general, though, the also loyal troops he sent to get his daughter out rapists. Am I the only one wondering here how the hell he got that knife so sharp? Well, it means he saves the girl and they can run off. That’s right into the guards, so they sent two to get the girl and then another six to supervise, which puts the long face to face with Monroes right hand henchman, stone cold Steve Austin.

[00:17:42] Why are you here? Bird watching.

[00:17:49] Birdwatch, I know I haven’t said his movie character name, but really is pain. No last name. It’s just pain. So what’s Stevenson doing here? Trying to find out what Stallone is doing, even though we just caught him in the act. So it’s kind of obvious, but they need some reason to drag this scene out long enough for Jason Statham, Randy Coulter and Jet Li to drop in and save everyone right up until the reinforcements arrive. The 40 some odd guys sent to supervise the six guys supervising the two. This drives them back into a corner. What will they do now? Remember, this is the Christmas Day hands down. He’s my favorite character. Unfortunately, Austin re kidnapped the girl and our heroes can’t exactly walk out of the front door right now, quite especially considering the riveting speech of the general is giving at the moment. Ghost ambassadors, Americanos, get it on my DIALYSE advice. OK, so let me get this straight. First you get the money, then you get the power. Then you get the nationalistic, xenophobic paranoia. Now, given this, much of the speech is very moving, especially when it gets to the part where Monroe shoots him in the back, causing his private army to go completely fucking nuts.

[00:19:11] Oh, well, nothing that blowing up the whole fucking palace and kicking off an action scene can cure Washington. And holy fuck is the scene fucking awesome, as much as I can complain about that Janki camera work in earlier scenes in this, it’s pretty spot on. Plus the choreography, the pyrotechnics. This is hands down the best scene in the whole fucking movie and one of the goddamn best action sequences I’ve seen. I am wondering how much one of those eight 12 shotgun’s costs plot wise, Munro is escaping with his money, his henchmen and his female prisoner because he’s got to have a female prisoner. Yeah, he’s already killed her father. And there’s no motivation for him to slow down, to escape by bringing her with. But fuck it. After UFC fighter Randy Koetter defeats burning hot Steve Austin, she comes in very handy as Monroe gets Stallone to disarm himself. I was wondering why no other bad guy ever tried that seems to work, but damn that plot armor stolen is still alive. That means Monroe can do the villain rant anyway, revealing that he really didn’t have any motivation to kidnap Sandra dead inside.

[00:20:41] Why the hell would you come after me? Okay. From. Call it a tie. Yeah, I guess so,

[00:20:53] So he would have been better off if he just left her behind or killed her like he tried to while her father was still alive, for being a mastermind is really short sighted and stupid. This brings our story to a close with Sandra still alive, the army coming down after our heroes killed 80 percent of them and the gunner still alive.

[00:21:13] Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, brother. There was you see the right there.

[00:21:20] So there’s been Jenky homicidal maniac is the friend on the team again. OK, stranger things have happened, I suppose. Anyway, that was The Expendables and it’s decent. Does it change the way we think about movies? Does it ask the big questions and dig deep into the human psyche? Fuck no. But that’s obviously not what they were going for. So is it possible to hold that against them? According to some critics? Yes. I have no idea how to hell someone can complain that The Expendables deserves a low score for being a testosterone injected explosion fest with cheesy characters and cheesy dialogue. No shit. That’s the genre. And in that sense, The Expendables does a damn good job representing it. Now it doesn’t fully hearken back to the golden age of action movies, but it makes up for that in other ways, namely the ridiculously awesome cast with decades of experience giving a hell of a performance. Yeah, they’re getting too old for this shit, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t awesome to have Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Bruce fucking Willis bouncing lines of each other. The problems I have with this movie is with the cinematography. The choice of color palette, for instance, is really fucking dark, not a requiem bad, mind you, but it was more challenging than it should have been to watch this movie in a room with a light on.

[00:22:27] I don’t know how it’s going to look spliced in with my only commentary it, but I apologize in advance. I’m sure it didn’t help. Also, a lot of the super zoomed in action direction was really disorienting and made it hard to get excited. Overall, The Expendables tries to be nothing more than a cheesy action flick and fails. What they end up with is a cheesy action flick packed to the brim with kickass stars, giving memorable performances, peppered with cheesy dialogue, delivered like Shakespeare, topped off with some of the most awesome action sequences I have seen in the film. It’s a hell of a ride. Even with its shortcomings coming in at four, conveniently consider it combustion out of five. Of course, by now there are two more movies in the franchise and I don’t know how to go yet. Thank you all for watching. Darker Shadow. And remember, stabbing a man to death still doesn’t exactly count as getting in the Christmas spirit.

[00:24:27] You guys aren’t going to suck each other’s dicks, I. Head on, apply directly to the forehead. Head on, apply directly to the forehead. Head on. Apply directly to the forehead.