It review- a critique of the 2017 film by Nostalgia Critic

Full text transcript of the It review:

Hello.

Usually when someone walks in front of a red curtain, it’s to tell you that you’re about to see something scary and indeed, by Internet standards, you will be seeing something scary tonight. Opinions. I know sometimes opinions can be scary, especially when they’re not your own, but remember with nostalgia, critic reviewed it for the first time and everyone got really angry. And now everyone wants him to do a Stephen King review once a year. So being the Internet, we can all be adults here and just agree that there’s better things to argue about. My fiancee said that this would happen, so he wrote me a little backup’s. And you maybe it’s

Got a problem with that, you can take it up with me. Here, that’s better.

Enjoy the review. Have a good time. And remember, if anyone feels triggered, you can say hello to

Sliger, Beyonce. So I hear your cinematic version is breaking all sorts of box office records, you know, when mine was on TV, the ratings went through the roof ratings. What are your thoughts on how you measure success before Netflix arrived? Sounds stupid. It kind of was. They told us nobody watch Family Guy, but the fans brought it back so that years later, nobody will watch Family Guy who what we measure now is box office. It’s only a matter of time before people see I’m the definitive it the hot. I started hunting children’s nightmares fast. First is worst isn’t YouTube. Commenter would tell you they’re already looking back and remembering how awesome I was. I’m telling you Pacho, I almost got it to the time will pass and they’ll all remember me. I almost got it. I feel like I really shouldn’t be here. You see where I come from. It’s pronounced EITE crowd as opposed to it. Crowd Oh shut up boss and tell us which is better. Oh come on. I’m scary here but I’m funny. Yeah. We’re not supposed to be funny and clouds. This is going worse than my American pilot. Hello boys. Pour me a cupcake. Vodka martini deal. Me. No we are so not doing that.

No. Oh come on. What’s the big deal.

You always ruin it for people. Yeah. Kids used to be afraid of me but now they just come up to me and go,

Oh come on, I like some things in it. The kids were good.

You were good.

I don’t know. I blacked out due to the Stephen King drinking game.

Oh, my God. That game comes with the surgeon general’s warning, doesn’t it? You see, this is what he does. He ruins scary things by pointing out that flaws like asking why my head turning into a dog? What’s supposed to be scary? It wasn’t supposed to be scary, you should probably take over a little bit. Forget it. You’re not going to ruin our fun, OK?

Look, both of you were trying to figure out who’s the definitive version. Doesn’t it make sense to have me here, both sides to figure out which one is better, have me be the one to determine who almost got it?

Not really an awful idea.

Well, screw you. I’m not talking about the Dark Tower movie.

That’s fair. You know what? Everybody in the world loves my movie. The president of critics said if Jesus wants a movie, this would be that movie, The United Nations, a film. Critics said, just stop making movies altogether. Nothing will ever top it. And the Holy Church of Heavenly Criticism said, take me now death. I do not fear you because I have seen it and I know nothing in life will ever be better going overboard. You may say riding the hype train. Perhaps I say no, I challenge you. I welcome you to

Find one single

Solitary thing wrong with my version of it.

Ok, this is the cinematic version of it was kind of hoping to be intimidated by that, I wasn’t all. As the credits roll, we see a little boy named Georgie and his stuttering brother named Bill. Mm hmm. OK, for the sake of dialogue, we’ll

Switch him out.

New white bill, do you think that the S.S. Georgie is ready to sail?

She sure is. She you always call a ship a G,

Even if it’s called the SS.

George, you want to get to the real problems of this film or not?

Yeah, OK. He’s excited to test out a paper boat in the rain, but not before he gets what he needs in the creepy basement.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re not going to kill me off before the credits end and also everybody knows that drain sewer scene, so I’m just going to assume that those are light bulbs

Where you don’t have to be so mean about it.

He loses his boat in the drain, though, coming across the infamous Klown Pennywise.

Hi, Georgie, no, hey, wait, where are you going? Where are you going?

No kid will be drawn to someone that’s scary looking.

Yeah, but we’re trying to him, and he’s not even scary. Exactly. You dumb ass.

One of the reasons penny wise keep people out so much as he was a legitimately good clown. He was goofy and funny so he could lure kids into his evil traps. This guy couldn’t lure awkward fan art to Tumblr. I was

Legitimately creepy. I feed off people’s fears, but you do feed off their dumb. Something has to draw them in. You want join you. How about this? I gotta go. All right. That went great. You know, we should just jump to eating em. True mourning.

The loss of his brother Bill over time acquires a group of foulmouthed friends known as the token troupe. I mean, Losers Club. I mean, let’s say Tokin Club. It uses a lot of the traditional kid group tropes. But to be fair, it was one of the originators of it. So let’s give him a little leeway, like when talking girl Bev seems to get along with the token fat kid.

So you’re the new kid on the block, but are you listening to New Kids on the Block?

Really? Yeah, really. OK, it’s like the only 80s they cram down your throat,

But it’s dumb,

Really dumb. OK, do you want that or do you want to do what every movie about the 80s does now and have you wear this?

Ok, we’ll take the lame joke.

Good. Now get back to your romantic kind of maybe sort of relationship.

I guess I’ll be somewhat attracted to you later.

Kinda. Maybe sorta.

Oddly enough, the other characters are introduced early on through Pennywise Scare’s, which is strange as we’re supposed to be a free for them, even though we don’t know them very well yet. Like Stanley, the Jewish troupe, huh?

I wonder why a Jewish temple would have a creepy abstract painting of a woman. I wonder if it’s modeled after that woman over there. I guess I’ll tell no one about this. Yeah, I have no jokes

For that moment, that was a legitimately scary scene. Which is a shame, because some scares are ruined by the film’s inability to go all the way with its

Ideas, for example, a

Germophobia trope named Eddie is looking for his medication. A creepy looking hand grabs it and holds it up to you. Now, this is a brilliant setup, framing the hand in the foreground, keeping the creepy person’s identity blurred, building up how scary he’s going to look.

This is

Masterful. But then when it’s revealed what he looks like, do I have a clue that payoff isn’t scary enough? It’s just a really sick looking guy. He’s supposed to be a leper. But come on, you could have gone more creepy than this to a germophobia. Guess that’s scary, but to us, it’s not that bad. Scare’s can be lessened in other ways to the black kids. Ropen Mike is quickly shown the grisly remains of a building that burned down. Now, this would be incredibly disturbing if the music just shut the hell up, most of the soundtrack is hugely over the top. When it’s supposed to be pleasant, it crams whimsy into you, like Tinkerbell being shoved up your ass like nice. And when supposed to be scary, it works in the softer moments, but there are that many softer moments. Instead, it turns what should be goose bumps creeping up your spine into jump scares being bashed into your skull. Look, a scary soundtrack, like any soundtrack is essential, but when it’s used too much, it can become like a laugh track where it’s forcing down your throat what should be coming to you naturally. Let’s try the scene again, except take the music down a lot and focus more on the eerie silence and a few well-chosen sound effects. Did that seem creepier, wasn’t even the car driving by more jarring? Now, don’t get me wrong, some scares were brilliantly like the burned headless ghost. His reveal and the way he moves is chillingly unnerving. But I’ll admit it gets a little silly.

We have to show it’s still pennywise. Wait a minute. What do you mean, silly? There’s nothing silly about me. I’m the most frightening thing in cinema. You want to tell him or should? I think we should both tell him. Would tell me what? You are a clown. No matter what you do, you’re going to be a little silly. Just embrace it. You are full of denial. That’s not true. Remember when I scared Blan leader trip I Billy by scaring him with his dead brother? Oh, look, I’m Jeff Dunham. If he was everybody funny looking like that’s scary, isn’t it? Yeah, but it’s still a little funny, too. I’m not supposed to be funny. I get really scary when I run up to him like this. What is that? We think it could be we’re running. Oh, yeah. Look and sound like a possessed old love from Frozen. Go back to hunting for. This is scary. Oh my God. Is there any way we can play the Benny Hill music over that? Oh, my God. Totally do. That is a scary. Oh, that’s that’s that’s gold. This was never funny, you telling you

This one kid in the film, I swear, is in his own separate movie, and that’s Richie. I love this kid mostly because he’s like the dorky version of Ash. Think about it. He has all the one liners. They say dairy’s a town of beaver traps and it still is in the. Except when he doesn’t. Something, something, something your mom and the

Boys, he’s super cowardly. I don’t want to go in there except when he’s not. You see this? This is my Bastet.

He’s somehow the geekiest and coolest kid in the entire movie. But consistent inconsistency, consistency. But other inconsistencies are more distracting than fun, like the adults not noticing the blood that the kid sees is more unsettling in this one.

Just come with your hair and do some creepy shit over here.

But then the kids are cleaning the blood, rocking out to an 80s song,

The upbeat blood cleaning scene. Why don’t you

Just throw whiskey in there like a chick flick while you’re at it?

Ok, so you have no idea what you’re doing now, all person. On the other hand, we made balloon scary. No, you didn’t know. Little teeny tiny stop now. The new movie, however, did a lot.

For one, all the balloons are red, helping them stand out more and serving as an eerie visual leads to doughnuts for a long time. When someone just sees a single red balloon, they’re going to think of it. Second, they’re used to reveal something. There’s always something creeping behind it. The balloon itself is not scary, but rather a buildup to the actual scare we’re about to get. Thus, when we see it, we do start to get frightened. I’ll even say the bullies are a lot better. Yeah, the ultimate generic Stephen King trope is actually done fairly well here, particularly with the main bully, Henry, who is not only given a back story that’s very quick to grasp, but they also make it clear that his type of bullying is more psychotic than most other bullying. It isn’t just run of the mill, they acknowledge it’s pretty messed up. I’ve been waiting outside

The library for you. Then you waited for hours in this direction. How dare you point out my cinematic flaws just for that? Oh, my God. Why do you hang out with this guy? Honestly, we’re hiding behind you. Yeah, we’re afraid he’s going to cut us out.

It’s working. But Ben escapes and comes across the loser gang who

Tends to his wounds. Question, why didn’t we take him to a hospital?

Well, it’s because the adults in the area don’t care about the kids.

Ok, I know that because I read the book, but aside from a couple in the car driving by, it’s not made very clear.

And even then, people are still alive. They must have a somewhat functional medical facility and no time for that. Billy sees Bev walking for the

First time in slow. Boy, didn’t he just see her a moment ago in the drugstore, but not snow. But isn’t that usually reserved for the first time? You see someone like the first time you see a thing slow down. Why do it the following moment?

Is it love at second sight? What you don’t know. You’re right. We talked with if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.

Who just won that? So Ben invites the Losers Club over as a means to say thanks for saving him.

Yeah, I studied disappearances and histories of towns and I just moved to

Wow, you’re incredibly distinct. Work is very convenient for us.

Yeah, I guess I’ll give the movie this instead of the fact you’re being obsessed with who in this he’s obsessed with. Oh, it’s

A little forced but not as forced as this.

Oh, my God, you still like new kids on the block?

Yes, as I clearly established earlier.

Well, that is still so you paint.

Does anyone notice this

Incredibly obvious picture of a clown with our city’s founders? I mean, we

Have to pass the movie to focus on that poster playing a song, too.

I mean, it’s right here for everyone to see. I just thought

Someone would notice.

Yeah. The It film is mostly timeless, but sometimes we’ve got to kick you in the 80s.

What? We get only like five closeups of the poster and you

Only got to the creepy clown here, like someone else noticed it.

Someone else notice it. I mentioned that many lethal weapons are playing at the theater. Wow.

The 80s are so cool. Let’s never reference them again.

Clown Bridgit. Wow.

The tone gets even weirder when Mike appears back in the movie. Yeah, it kind of disappeared for a long time.

To me, this feels self-defeating.

Oh, there’s only one thing we can do for the serious scene of us fighting our fears.

Silly music and slowmo. Wow. However, when this was a serious, important

Thing, you know, Philadelphi. The. I’m like to now.

So they say Mike can decide to allow him to be in the Losers Club.

Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, Coltrane’s MediaMath, the Loch Ness Monster and The Theory of Atlantis.

As long as I’m not marginalised like that Jewish kid, I’ll believe

Anything you say. What you get. Shalom. Oh, yes, Stanley, you guys forgot I was even a character in, you know. No, no, it’s OK, it’s OK. There are so many characters in this movie, anyway, somebody was bound to get less screen time. Heck, I’m not even here half the time. I’m a cardboard cutout, huh? I did not do that.

So what do you say, Mike? You want to

Join our club? You got it. Where do you want me? In the back with the Jewish kid.

Oh, the film does get genuinely fun again. And not for fun, like. Whatever that was, after a scene where penny wise comes to life on this slide projector, the kids enter a haunted house that honestly is kind of like a neighborhood Halloween haunted house. And I mean, the best way it has rooms with creepy toys, cobwebs, doors that lead to over the top scares. It’s going to be gory fun.

Stop saying that. Saying what? Things like goofy, gory. But does this sound like your voice? I’d be interested in goofy, gory fun. I am super scary and super serious in this gritty reimagining of it. I could talk my body and turn it to all sorts of things. Oh, you mean with

Your crappy digital effects?

Oh, that’s just typical of you critics, isn’t it? I totally forgot he was still there.

Yeah, we’re just an opening punch line.

I know how this works when you point out that digital effects, that means you hate all digital effects. It’s not what I said at all. But I get it. You hate Pixar. You despise Jurassic Park. You want to see Officer Hopps die.

Ok, look, digital effects are wonderful and have come a long way, especially in horror films. CGI can make a ghostly image scene there and not there at the same time. It’s one of the few examples where the uncanny valley actually helps and effect. And half the time it’s great in this film, the creepy painting coming to Life, The Headless Boy, a good half of the digital effects are very effective. Great.

That means you love all CGI. I’m glad we

Cleared this up. Now, here’s the thing. Like any effects, there’s good and bad ones. And when you use them so often in your movie, the bad ones are going to be easier to spot. The fear of Penny Wise isn’t that he’s a ghost you can see through. He’s supposed to look like he’s really there. And if your digital effects don’t have time to really make it look like his hand is turning into a werewolf or he’s transforming into a monster, because you have to use that time on other digital effects, the fear is massively diluted.

Nope, it was all amazing. And you hate everything digital like that blurry run effect. How did you do that? Course you just feeling your face really close to the film because CGI artist to recreate this. Whoa, are we still playing

The kids fight back Pennywise showing they can defeat them. So of course, let’s have this be the moment where they split up and go their separate ways.

So long everyone stand. We split up and go our separate ways. Yeah, you really got me there. Movie. I’m so sure they’re never going to be dope again. No, no. It’s really sad. Oh yeah. What a shame. You’ll never get back together.

Why are we leaving. We’ve got him on the run. We should finish him off.

Nope. Nope. This is the part where you push out but that cliches and everything. I know I was in those cliches when they became popular. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We’re not going to fix old cliches. Instead, we’re going to put a whole bunch of other ones in. Like what? Well, the damsel in distress for what followed up by True Love’s Kiss. Breaking the spell seriously? Well, the chart says, oh, well, I want to go to a chart bar, maybe took some math. Let’s consult the chart. Yes. So the loser

Gang reunite to save Beverly.

She’s down there. What’s that on your arm to cast you into a hospital, not a new you. You’re all going to be going to the hospital soon. Like, every night, we kind of need you to kind of justify your kind of our. Oh, OK. Oh yeah. I guess I have a reason for being here. Wonderful. No, I can tell you all about my incredibly interesting back story.

We’re actually we’re kind of past the two hour mark.

We can probably get your bonus feature on the blue, right? Fair enough. Really hospital. I bet the nurses were hospital.

Meanwhile, Beverly wakes up in the sewers where, oh, Christ.

Now, what are you sure you’re not supposed to be at all funny, but it’s a scary dance of evil poopy trousers time, especially when he played this over it? I did. You get in. Oh, come on, people just playing dumb, dumb style over that. Well, here’s something in my version of the movie, the short version never had people actually floating.

Oh, my God. Really? Oh, yo. Yeah, that’s a really good point for all the times you

Always said they float, they always float,

We never do see anybody float in your version,

But it’s not going to work. Yes, it is. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, I’m sorry. He’s a clown. They rescue Beverly, but she’s in a hypnotized days.

So like mentioned before, Ben uses true love’s kiss to free her. You know what? I’m married, I live my life. Ha ha, that still counts. You won’t get away that easily. So Pennywise tries to transform into all their fields. Or hi, kids, ha ha ha ha. Just chickens, choo choo choo choo choo choo choo

Choo, the kids confront their terrors and be pennywise, resulting in them agreeing to come back if he ever returns.

Well, I guess we did it.

We sure did. Whoa, I’m sorry, what are you doing?

Kissing you?

Oh, I think I have a better relationship with them. I mean, he saves me he writes me poetry also. I just did a kissing scene with him.

Yeah. Hands off my baby lady. I will follow this. It’s the last scene in the movie. Are we really going to end and a half assed relationship.

Well, let’s see what the book says.

That’s a great idea. It’s sure to shoot. I really shouldn’t do it. Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah. No, I’m not doing that.

Super uncomfortable. How about we blow kisses? And that is the greatest thing we ever made as humans, cinematically flawless, hauntingly haunting, the most amazing horror film ever made. Good. Super. Yes, good. Don’t think you’re over hyping it just a teeny bit. Nope, it’s perfect. And anyone who thinks different hates movies. Well, this movie, Aitor,

It’s hard to say. This is a flawless horror film, but at the same time, it’s hard to say it’s bad, too. There’s a lot of scarers, fun ideas, decent enough characters, and in many respects it is better than the original. On the whole, I do recommend it as a scary flick.

Take that Rondos Horror Picture Show.

But there is one thing the original has that the new one doesn’t. What’s it

Personality?

The original was silly and awkward, but it kind of relished it from the awkward effects to the hokey acting to the odd writing. And of course, Tim Curry giving a million percent. It’s not scary, but it’s an over-the-top campy TV movie. This is trying to be an 80s film, a timeless film, have subtle scares over the top, scares adult humor, cartoony humor, tonally and stylistically. It’s just all over the place. I admire if we’re trying so much, but they don’t always fit together, which helps create less of an identity. So even though the cinematic version is better and strangely enough probably remember the original more so yes, it is good enough. I just don’t think it’s the game changer. Everybody built it up to be.

But you never answered the question. Which of us is more definitive? It’s scary or funny. Which is it? Well, I’m

Probably not the best one to answer that, but I do

Know who is. Oh, gasp. You should be both, do you know how many incarnations of the Joker? There’s been tons and you know what the best ones have in common? They’re not sure. Yes. And they were both scary and funny. Don’t choose one B both. As the world’s most famous killer clown would tell you, it’s best to go out on the scream and laugh, huh? Wasn’t I originally up for your role? Got to go. Hey. Well, you really up for his role? Yes. And I almost got it. You know, tonally, this review was very confused. Well, that’s your movie in a nutshell. Good point. Well. What are you seeing it what’s it that’s the name of the movie. What is it? What’s it it is it. And what is that? It so it is that and that is it. And what is that it so it is it isn’t it. Well how should I know. Because if it wasn’t it it couldn’t be anything else now could it. That’s it precisely. And are you seeing it with them. Know them is another movie altogether. What are you some sort of clown. No, it’s the clown. What is it dammit. OK, let’s start over. Here’s the thing. Let’s not bring John Carpenter into this live. Well, that’s your problem right there. You can’t see it if you don’t believe it. It’s driving me crazy. Well, that’s what it does. It drives people crazy. Now you get it, you know, good, shady sentiment. What is it? That’s what I want to know. Good night, folks.

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