Review of Kingsman 1- a film critique by Jeremy Jahns

Full text transcript of Kingsman 1:

Yeah, I know a lot of people want me to review Fifty Shades of Sheep, but we’re reviewing the Kingsman because of those two movies. Only one movie has an action sequence that goes down to the song Bird. Fifty Shades has all the anal fisting going on to the song Free Bird. We’d be doing that right now, but it doesn’t. So we’re here.

Kingsman, the Secret Service, like that movie, makes you want to dress up. So here we are.

So Kingsman The Secret Service is directed by Matthew Vaughn is ultimately imagine men in Black meets James Bond with no alien if James Bond was rebuilt from the ground up for this current generation. That’s the Kingsmen. And it’s a pretty kick ass time, too. I mean, Matthew Vaughn has given us X-Men First Class, ironically enough, because I just said it’s a kick ass time kick ass. The dude has some credentials and now he’s bringing us this British spy movie about international secret agents, all gentlemen who dressed really sharp in Kingsman Colin Firth. He’s one of the king’s men. And he finds this young kid. He’s got all the potential in the world. And he’s a son of a former king’s man. He is like, all right, well, come and be a Kingsman, just like Tommy Lee Jones did with Will Smith and men and black Samuel L. Jackson is the bad guy. And, you know, he’s up to no good.

And they give him this weird lith, you know, and he talks like this, you know, she is just going down. I can’t stand this motherfucker. Sounded like Mike Tyson.

So it’s funny when they give villains, weird voices for the sake of giving them weird voices.

I always find that strange, but it kind of being a James Bond Omeje, the girl who’s working for Samuel L. Jackson, her legs are like amputated and they turn into blades. I was like, that is old school James Bond. I mean, the characters are great. I love Colin Firth in this movie. I love Colin Firth kind of kicking his feet up and he’s like, hey, I can be awesome. I can be a badass. I could be relatable.

I feel like if kids watch this movie and they’re playing on the playground in school or in the neighborhood, that is to say, if they have bad parents, I’ll let them watch Kingsmead.

This right in our movie, they’d want to be Colin Firth, you know, taking the umbrella, hugging the glass, flicking the glass, shattering on someone’s head. You know, this whole action sequence goes down. Some of it’s very shaky camera. But I feel like Matthew Von’s, the guy who can use shaky cam and use it well enough, the camera kept following all the action well enough to go. All right. It’s shaky, Cam. It’s OK. And this movie doesn’t hold back. I mean, there are scenes where I’m like, oh, Colin Firth is stabbing that guy in the eye. Shit, folks are dying, folks. Folks are dying. I’ve always liked Matthew Vaughn in that sense. It’s always like he just takes his characters directions for some other people to be like, I don’t know if we can have Mr. Colin Firth do that.

So we’re not going to have him do that, you know, make it work, make it happen, because that’s what would happen are a couple of moments of wasted potential, like the nemesis character to our main star in the movie who died, this kid. I’ve seen him in nothing. I can’t think of anything he’s been in.

But something tells me I’m going to see a lot more of him. He was great in this movie. And there’s this like, you know, this Nemesis character when he’s training and trying to become a Kingsman. And later on you’re like, oh, shit. Oh, wild card bitches. It looks like they might go somewhere with that.

It’s just it doesn’t go anywhere.

It’s nothing that kind of bummed me out. I was like, oh, that would have been cool. OK, we go on with kings. Kingsman is very self-aware too. It makes movie references and it jabs at the fact that if this was a movie, this is what would happen. I love it when movies are self aware of the fact that they too might be movies. In the end, Kingsman had great characters, great action. I love it when all these people are gentlemen. There’s so just proper they will hold the door open for a lady and kick the shit out of her scumbag boyfriend. I love characters like that. I love people like that.

I love movies like this. I can see Kingsmen being this new franchise in the vein of James Bond and Bourne. And the fact that Matthew Vaughn did this movie means he will be attached to no sequels whatsoever.

I will say Kingsman The Secret Service is awesome Dacula. I really want to see Matthew Felling a stick around for the sequel, just for one special, Kingsman The Secret Service.

Have you seen it?

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